2008-09-03 - 6:43 p.m.

Since my grandmother died I haven't shed one tear. I cried most of the way home that Tuesday before she died, because I knew she wasn't going to last long and her long drawn out "owwws" were heartbreaking. But after that, after she died, even when I got the call that she had died, I didn't cry. I suspect that trend is coming to an end. I think I was in a sort of shock. But tomorrow is when we "bury*" her. And it's suddenly becoming very real. I feel fidgety with tears.

*She was cremated and she is not having a funeral, just a gathering at the art institute where most of her art life has taken place. I think my Dad is taking her ashes to Colorado with him.

I should have stayed in Kalamazoo tonight, or at least planned to stay there tomorrow night. But I am very rigidly allowing 10 hours for this whole ordeal, four of those hours being in the car. Why? Because I can't take any more Buddhist crap from my father. I am still trying to recover from the four hour lecture we got on the way home from Chicago in June. I also can't take any weird family dynamics right now. And this gathering will be rife with just that. I will wait a few weeks, let the masses dissipate, let the Buddhist return to his meditative state and then I will deal with this in my own manner.


I worked two days this week at my current job and both days totally sucked. As I said to Eric the other day, it is terribly difficult for me to be my best there because I am performing at least four other jobs (hostess, busboy, cashier and manager) while trying to wait on my own section. It's impossible and I can't be happy unless I am at my best.

I am desperately hoping that I find another job (I should try LOOKING instead of just thinking about it) before I get sucked back into this. Right now would be the perfect time to go because when my grandmother became sick I had told them I would only be available for limited hours and not to rely on my for anything. In a couple weeks they'll be back to relying on me for everything and I will feel too guilty to leave.

So that is all.

I want to make pies.


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