2008-01-11 - 12:07 p.m.

First of should be noted that yes, I am on the title of the house. But that's not the point. The point is that I did irrevocable damage to my own, independent, being by moving to Spain. I spent ten years getting myself to a safe spot in life, I owned a home and had equity in it even though I sold it for $20,000 less than I should have. Which means that had I stayed in the United States instead of embarking on that train wreck of an expat journey...I would have made a whole lot of money when I sold the house on my own time instead of trying to sell it as quickly as possible. Secondly...the move to Spain and the months leading up to that move cost me THOUSANDS of dollars. THOUSANDS. Just to move to Spain. Those THOUSANDS of dollars were the THOUSANDS of dollars I made from the sale of the house. So I walked away from ten years of my life with nothing. Nothing. And that was supposed to be okay. We were supposed to be okay with that. But then all that crap started happening with the company Eric worked for and we were stuck in Spain under the worst possible circumstances to be stuck in Spain and it was bad. It was very very bad. Obviously we couldn't have known what was going to happen...but knowing what I know now I would NOT have moved there with nothing in my pocket. If we move overseas again I will not only have money in my pocket but I will also own a home and a car in the United States and I WILL. NOT. SELL. THEM.

Anyway, this whole Whisper not on the loan thing has nothing to do with anything else except for my pride and my need for symbolism. Neither of those things is very relevant in the grand scheme of things. I mean, I can't be upset because I'm not getting to sign my name on any loan documents. (or, I can get upset but it is a useless upset because it's not going to change the fact that I haven't worked in 3 years and that my current employment wouldn't be a good enough source of income to qualify for a loan) Not signing my name on papers doesn't mean it isn't my (our) house too. The reason I was upset last night (and still am) is that I've made some mistakes in my life. The major mistake I've made is not living up to my potential. If I had gotten a degree in anything I probably could have managed to work in Spain and I could have had a better job when I returned to the US instead of getting a 20 hr a week job where I get paid 2.65 an hour. I did this to myself. And sometimes it's just hard to take when you realize that you've done yourself harm.

So that is why I am upset. I've made bad decisions and I've set myself up to end up in the exact situation that I am going to experience today. That being...Eric and me sitting at the closing table and me just smiling pretty while he signs all the papers. And that's not my style.

So that is all.

Now I am going. When I come back I will have a house.


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