DELVING BETWEEN THE TOES OF LIFE....I AM TOEJAM


2007-10-17 - 11:49 a.m.

I've been having little homecoming fantasies at night before I fall asleep. Little giddy thoughts about going to breakfast early early in the morning and pawing through the Homes magazine, making big, red circles around potential houses I might want to live in. Thinking about scarfing down plate after plate of maple syrup topped things and then snuggling into my winter coat and scarf and setting off for a day of driving slowly by the houses I've chosen to look at. The air outside will smell of deep fall and I'll swoon. I'll play Tom Petty songs loudly and take grateful sips of the mocha I'll have procured from small unknown coffee shop hidden away in the depths of whatever town I am currently stalking for a house. Later I will drive "home" and I will talk to my cats and wash my face and notice how quickly my skin resolves itself after I get a facial. My cheeks will be roses and I'll re-snuggle into my winter coat and scarf and I'll go for a long, fresh walk and I won't think once, "I wish it was a little colder," or, "diesel fumes smell like pure poison," or, "I wish they would do something about the sound pollution." I'll think about food and decide what I'll eat for dinner and then I will think about the houses I looked at and maybe I'll be frustrated about it and nervous that we won't find anything before our two month lease is up. But maybe I'll have seen something that has intrigued me and I'll try to imagine what the inside will look like when I have the Realtor show me through it. I'll think about cozy winters spent making soup and bread and I'll think about summers and imagine my cats sprawled in sun beams around the yard. I will have walked for miles without realizing it and I'll take my time walking back. I'll make dinner and wear fuzzy socks and the cats will swarm my ankles and purr and I'll talk to Eric on the phone and I'll have a countdown taped to the fridge of how many days until he comes to Michigan and it will be sad and weird and a little lonely without him. I hang up the phone and make Sleepytime tea without thinking about how I should conserve it. I'll fill the mug with milk and honey and I'll sit by the window and watch the snow or listen to the wind and it will feel peaceful where I am. I'll take a bath and get into a bed that I am not quite used to and that is probably not as comfortable as my big white squishy bed (but way more comfortable than the bed I've been sleeping on in Spain) and I'll think about how awesome it will be when my big white squishy bed comes back to me from the storage unit and I'll remember that I should have packed my sheets in my suitcase just in case our things don't arrive from across the ocean before we move into our new house and my big white squishy bed is installed in my new bedroom. I'll fall asleep thinking about the color I will paint my new walls and how much I missed painting walls while I was living in a dusty, crumbling rental house in Spain. I'll think about that renewed feeling I get when I paint a room and for weeks afterwards how walking into that fresh new room can make me smile.

I'm getting very anxious.

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