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2007-08-01 - 6:51 p.m.
Eric left this morning for Germany and I, as usual, ended up dinking around all day in my transitioning fashion. I can't believe that after all these years of no week ever being like the previous or following week, I still get stuck in a transition day every time he leaves or comes home. In the past my transition days would go something like this...arrive home from dropping him off at the airport. Start another pot of coffee and attempt to trick myself into thinking it is "just another day" by reading internet news and doing typical "just another day" things. Fail miserably at tricking myself. Decide to sit by the pool and read cookbooks (which usually helps me focus). Start to fall asleep (because when Eric leaves or comes home it usually requires me to be at the airport dropping him off or picking him up before my normal wake up time) and get mad about it so I stalk upstairs to the computer where I find something mindless to do. Usually an hour into this activity I decide that since I am not doing anything productive I might as well make all those phone calls I have been meaning to make. (I hate the telephone.) So I will start calling people and somewhere around the half hour mark of being on the phone I decide it would be nice to sit outside, while on the phone, with a glass of cold white wine or an icy beer. So, I will get one of those things. Usually the phone call thing will not last so long that I have more than one drink, but on a couple occasions in the past two and a half years I have ended up drinking A LOT during a phone conversation. One of these times was a month or two ago when I (finally) called a childhood friend of mine who had left a message with my mother months and months previous to my getting around to calling her back. So there I was talking to her and having a nice conversation and I had just finished my second glass of wine when I, GASP, SLURRED MY WORDS. I heard my friend pause on the other end of the phone and then she kind of chuckled and 5,000 miles away I started blushing and feeling ashamed. So. From that moment on I vowed that I would never drink while talking on the phone again. And I haven't. And I won't. But that totally fucks up my transition days. Like today. As I said, Eric left this morning and I did my usual transition stuff. I wouldn't have even thought about having any alcohol today (see previous entry where I tell you that we just had five straight days of excess) but I had opened a bottle of Margaux last night to celebrate our anniversary but I only drank a tiny bit of it and Eric had a beer...so I basically have a full bottle of Margaux sitting around and YOU try to dump a full bottle of Margaux down the sink without remorse. It deserves to be drank. So I will. Because it could be, theoretically, my last bottle of Margaux on this continent. And Margaux is "my" wine. (my dream bottle is an '82 Chateau Margaux, Margaux.) This leaves a slight problem though...I vowed that I would never call anyone while drinking again. And now that I've had a glass of wine I just feel like calling everyone. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Must not. If it has just been for the uncomfortable slurred words to an old friend thing I wouldn't be so concerned. But, for the last year or so, and especially within the last two months, I have had this terrible communication thing going on where I either say something really dumb ("I really like Indian people.", really unsupportive(this I said to my friend who announced that her doctor suspected her of having Celiac disease, "OH MY GOD THAT WOULD BE AN AWFUL THING TO LIVE WITH!!! WHAT ABOUT PANCAKES????" nevermind that my current favorite pancake recipe is made from cornmeal.) or just plain useless (a recent conversation I had with my brother that I won't even go into). Every time I talk to someone lately I end up feeling worse about myself than I have ever felt. (except for when I talk to my mother...talking to my mother is the same as it always was) So I've ended up, in the past months, pretty certain that everyone from my brother to my distant friend from 1988 hates me and never wants to talk to me again. It's a terrible feeling and that is why I must not call anyone today while I am full of Margaux. I can't afford to feel even worse about myself if I slip up and make an ass out of myself. So what do I do with my time? I am sick of cleaning. I can't pack because we don't know where to get boxes from. I am not hungry so I can't prepare some vast feast for myself. I currently have the worst case of writer's block I could have imagined and so...cannot even write a crappy first draft of something that will become a crappy second draft of something. The lawn is mowed. My plants are watered. The laundry is done. I even uploaded a billion pictures to my flickr account (go look, the naked guy is there). So what can I do but call people? This is terrible. I can't wait to move home so I can at least go to the bookstore when I feel like this. BOOOOOOOOOOO! |
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