2007-07-06 - 5:29 a.m.

It would appear that I am awake after only having slept for two hours. Insomnia hasn't happened to me in a long time. Apparently I have a little bit of anxiety going on about this move thing. Most of this has to do with the fact that Eric reminded me this evening that if we are moving to Germany (which is where this looks like it is going for certain), we would be making the move almost immediately. As in, we make our final decision about this on Monday and we immediately go to Germany and find a house in which to live and then we pack up and go.

And of course the idea of that is making me completely sick to my stomach. Of course now I am all pleading inside for more time in Spain (not really in Spain, but in this's hard to say goodbye to your dream house). And of course I've been so comfortable here lately and things are finally starting to work out. You know, the curry night ritual now in place, the vegetarian sausages that have appeared, I have finally managed to grow some viable tomato plants without the snails getting to them, I found sage, my cat is finally not being sick every month, I found a decent bookstore...all these things that make for a happier, easier existence are finally starting to snap into place and wah wah wah...I'm leaving and will have to start this all over.

Of course I am super excited about moving to Germany. I am so excited that I am going to have a winter this year that I can hardly stand it. And Eric and I were talking yesterday about the great things about living in Germany...things like most of our desired visiting places being a short car ride away. We can easily go to Vienna for a couple days to see the ballet, easily go to Brussels to get my truffles, easily go to Paris, easily go to Geneva...and Lake Constance is only a couple hours from where we would be living. We could go to Lake Constance on a boring Saturday and have a picnic. And Germany being so pedestrian/bicycle friendly, we can go for long Sunday bike rides and Eric will finally be able to run in good conditions again. (He's had it hard order to run he has to drive to the beach and that just sucks, having to drive somewhere to run just sucks.) And I will be able to take refreshing walks again and Germany seems to have most things that I require for easy life. So it will be good. It will be better than our life here. I know this. I know this. But it doesn't stop me from being anxious right now. What if we can't find a house with a big enough yard to make me happy? To make my cats happy? What if we can only find houses on busy roads and I can't let my cats outside anymore? Can I stand torturing them by keeping them inside for the next two years?

I've been pretty good about keeping the what if's to a minimum in the last couple years. The biggest gain I have had from this expat experience has been that I am way less anxious, in general, about things. I have learned that things work out with a little effort. I have learned that even big scary things (moving across an ocean to a place where you can't speak) turn out to be quite mundane in the end. And that opens up a world to me. I'm not scared, in the slightest little bit, to move to Germany. I am very confident that I know the best route now for total integration. I am nervous about the housing thing and I am nervous that financially we are making a big mistake by choosing to go another couple years on one income. But holy cow...if I manage to live well in Germany, if I manage to speak and function and thrive there...what an experience that will be. (and I do think I will thrive there what with the all the breathing I will be able to do in air that isn't dry and dusty)

Oh.....!!!!! I don't think I will sleep for the rest of the summer.

(and for sure not for the rest of the night, I just drank a pot of coffee)


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