2007-02-19 - 4:30 p.m.

Lately the feeling that I am waiting for something has returned. I really have no idea what I am waiting for…but I am on the edge of my seat waiting for whatever it is.

Tomorrow Eric has a meeting with the company that just bought the company he works for. While this meeting has nothing to do with us or our geographic location (it is just a “hello, nice to meet you, welcome to our company” meeting for everyone)…I can’t help but hope that someone says something that will allude to the direction we will be going in. I’ve said before that I don’t care where we go next, as long as I get out of here and wherever we do go is a good place for my cats to live. The rational parts of me want to go home…because I am not faring well as a foreigner…I am apparently not strong enough for the expat life, it takes too much out of me. (or maybe it is just life in general that takes too much out of me and I am just blaming the expat life because that is convenient.) And also, I need to start making some money again. But my prideful parts want to go somewhere else…Germany, France, Sweden…wherever. So I can try this again and implement the things that I should have done immediately when I arrived here. (getting a car or figuring out other easy ways of transportation, signing up for language classes and not giving up on them after two weeks, exploring from the beginning, meeting more people more quickly, doing things that I can be proud of instead of letting myself become a person I despise….) Eric says that I will probably feel the same way about any place we go that isn’t home…but I think he is wrong. The main thing here is that there is never anything to bolster me after a bad day. I don’t have anything here that I adore. Nothing. Nothing that I can say I would trade one hundred bad days to have. Like in Paris how I can say I would take one hundred bad days just to have one day walking in my favorite park or eating at my favorite restaurants. There is nothing magic here for me…so that makes it hard to endure the bad days. Bad days just collect upon my soul here and there is nothing to clear the pollution of them. So along with my pride, my curiosity wants to go someplace new as well. Because I do wonder if it was just life in Spain that didn’t sit well with me or if it is truly the whole expat life. I have an inkling that it is just the life in Spain. Plus, the air here sucks. I am tired of breathing dust.

Anyway…I am hoping that tomorrow might bring me some little tidbit the whatever it is that I am waiting for. I know it won’t…and I have no reason to expect it. But I can still hope.

In other news…it is Carnival time here and I have to go into the heart of it this afternoon. I already have a cold sore and going into this chaos isn’t going to help it any. Blah.

It’s very nice that the days are getting longer.


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