2007-02-13 - 1:57 p.m.
Dreaming, with an aside about home and some additional stuff about falafel and Zara.
It is interesting to me how precise dreams are. I am thinking of nothing more than going home lately, I just want to be home. And I can’t help it but before I realize what I am doing, my desire has a picture of home flitting around and home is my old house and my heart races for a moment at the thought of returning to it and then…then I remember that it is not mine any longer. None of that is mine any longer. I have no home. And that’s the stupidest thing I have ever done because for all of my twenties I just kept saying, “all I’ve ever needed was a home and that’s all I care about now” and I got my home and I made it more home than I had ever known and then I just left it. And I realize now that that was a major backpedal. And how dumb am I? Because I just can never figure out why I can’t get up that hill I’ve been attempting for years and years…and it’s because I do stupid things like backpedal. All the time. I am too old now to be wasting time like this.
Anyway…lately I am thinking of nothing more than being home. Also, I’ve been staring at the ground a lot lately wondering if maybe, just maybe, the fucking tulips that I planted might come up this year even though it looks like they will not. (I forgot to remember that tulip bulbs, if you’re going to leave them in the ground over the winter, need a frozen spell in order to come up in spring. And we didn’t get any cold weather this winter.) And it makes me so sad that I will not have tulips that I get sent into this whirling despair and is another reason that I have lost my will. And I have, I have totally lost my will. I am done here now and more than ever I am just waiting it out. And I think that we better just leave as soon as we can because I am afraid of what this loss of will is doing to my relationship with my husband. But that’s not what I am talking about, yet. So…home, the tulips and yesterday and the day before and hell…for the whole two years I have been here…I’ve been trying to get my friend Kathy on the phone. She’s been a crappy friend since I moved here…but that doesn’t matter because sometimes I still want to talk to her. We never pretended, anyway, that either of us were the types to be a good friend to anyone. That’s one of the reasons we were such good friends…because we both sucked at being a friend. So I call her periodically when I need to talk to her and so far I have yet to call and have her answer her f’ing phone. NEVER, she NEVER answers her phone. So yesterday I finally just called the restaurant (where I used to work and where we worked together) and talked to Lucas (and talking to him made me more homesick…I miss my Wookas) and told him I wanted to talk to my friend Kathy and, of course, she wasn’t there so I told him to tell her that I would call today to set up an appointment to call her. It’s important right now, even though I am in the midst of a phone strike, for me to talk to her. I don’t know why…I think I must just need a gossip session or something. (I just called the restaurant again and set up and appointment to call her tonight at 10. She better answer the phone. Or I will kill her.)(UPDATE: SHE DID NOT ANSWER HER F'ING PHONE SO NOW I MUST KILL HER.)(BITCHHEAD)
Good lord. So….tulips, home, appointments. And last night I dreamed that I was walking around my old village (in my robe) and I was walking around and around trying to gather enough courage to walk by the house that is no longer mine and finally I did and I saw little tulip nubbins poking out of the ground and I started to cry and then a woman and a girl walked out of my (their) house and I tried to walk on but my feet wouldn’t move because I just wanted to go home and the woman asked me if I needed something and I told her that I wanted to know if, in the fall, I could set up an appointment to have my mother come and dig up one single tulip bulb so I could have it for my new house. And then we spent hours trying to set the appointment up. But could never find a time.
That is all for today. I know I was supposed to talk about babies and how I want to go home but don’t feel that I can at this juncture…and I also want to talk more about my loss of will…but…Spanish February is breathtakingly beautiful and I am going to enjoy it because HOPEFULLY it will be my last.
So outside I go.
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