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2006-12-29 - 7:57 a.m.
I woke up early this morning. Too much thinking and dreaming isn’t taking care of it. What am I thinking about? The usual…how in the hell I am going to get Oscar back to the U.S. with us when we are sent back. When are we going to be sent back? Where would I really like to live? And can I, for the sake of adventure and staying in Europe (where I really want to be for now), be happy without having a permanent home? Did I just hear a noise? And the usual, usual, (meaning, normal not sleeping anxieties I’ve been having for most of my life)why do I sleep so much? Why am I so lazy? Why can’t I find enough motivation to take a two hour walk every day when it is so enjoyable to do so? Why am I not writing all the stories that are flitting around in my head? (Etc,) And also, this morning I have added not sleeping thoughts…you know, about how my cat could go into another insulin induced coma and how many times a week can I bring him to the vet for a check-up/blood sugar check without being a total maniac about it? I was worried about my grandfather this morning too, and a little stressed out about babies and because of the baby stress I got worried about the question I have not yet answered in 33 years, “WHAT DO I WANT TO BE WHEN I GROW UP?” (The truth is that I would like to be exactly what I am now…but that’s not very viable or responsible or fair.) And then, thinking about babies…I got stressed about black holes/water shortages/meteors/asteroids/blah blah blah. Because really, I don’t want babies for lots of reasons…but mainly because I don’t want to be responsible for the pain and suffering of future generations. I can prevent some pain and suffering by not having babies. HOWEVER… I’ve been feeling baby pressure lately. Everyone keeps telling me that I am getting too old. Some people are even irritated with me for not being ready to make that decision yet. I am very sad that I am getting old and that I am not going to have enough time to make that decision and so…thus…the decision will be a big no. I just hope that when I’m 48 and ready to make that decision finally, I don’t find that I had made the wrong one. Argh. Anyway. I can’t wait for the holidays to be over. The only downside about it is that Eric will have to go back to work and I’ve been enjoying his company IMMENSELY over the past week. I need to figure out a way to make money so both of us can be home (or at least together) all day long. I miss snow. I want to see my family soon but I have no desire to make that trip just yet. Plus, how can I comfortably leave my cat right now? Seriously. I (we) haven’t left him alone since that hypoglycemic coma seizure shit last week. In fact, we barely leave him alone in the house. If he’s sleeping on the couch in the living room, one of us is sitting on the couch in the living room. I think we are going nuts. But damn…that was some seriously scary shit. And now I am giving him insulin shots again but I am too scared to give him the amount the vet told me to so I’ve been shorting him on insulin just to be safe. I am such a loser. But I can’t help it. That can never happen again. EVER. It’s 8 am and it still isn’t light. I am ready for April when the light issue isn’t so ridiculous. I would like to live in a place where the temperature in summer never rises above 78 and in the winter there is snow and where year round the sun rises at 7 am and sets at 9 pm. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? I have to find something to do now.
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