2006-10-20 - 12:48 a.m.

Welllllllllll....I had big intentions for today. Pretty much failed. As usual, to do anything worthwhile. Because I suck.



(Okay, so I did make lunch, clean litter boxes/dishes/floors/make bed/laundry, do an hour of yoga and write two pages of a stupid short story...but still...I didn't get out of my pajamas until SIX and that's really bad especially since we have a guest here right now witnessing my lazy-tude-ness...)

I suck.

We went to dinner tonight. I didn't eat hardly anything today because I thought we were going to go to my cheese restaurant where I always over eat...but it was closed. And my second restaurant choice was closed as we had to go to my third choice which is my third choice because they have great desserts. Which means I got dessert and I didn't want to get dessert because you know I am still trying to lose my stupid ass Spanish ten pounds which won't budge.


I am having a hard time right now. Today I think I killed a lizard (by accident of course) and I can't think of anything else. This is what I wrote about the lizard shortly after I stepped on it....Anyway, the day was destroyed by a lizard. I couldn’t think straight after I stepped on him. I don’t know if he is going to live and I wish that I could do something for him. The best, of course, is to put him exactly where I put him and leave him alone…but I cannot seem to stop looking at him. I keep wishing that the next time I look in that pot that he will be gone. But I know he won’t. I know that tomorrow morning when I look in there he will still be there breathing…but breathing slower than he is now because he will be diminishing. And I won’t be able to do what is right and good and kind and put him under my foot and finish what I started. Because I am not sure that is right and good and kind. What if there is some kind of lizard death journey that I would be stamping out? Or what if he just needs a few days to recover? Because surely if I were stepped on I wouldn’t recover over night. But if he just needs a few days to recover shouldn’t I be feeding him? Giving him water? What do lizards eat? Insects…but he probably wouldn’t eat an already dead insect that I could find on the ground and I don’t think I could kill an insect just to save the lizard because that kind of defeats the purpose of saving a life. And if I just dump some water in there won’t that be horrible? What if he drowns or gets cold? I remember the iguana we had and he had to be warm all the time. Does this lizard need to be warm? Because it isn’t warm outside and I have him sitting on a cool pile of dirt. But I can’t really go change his location now because more than anything I want to avoid fear. That’s my own deal. Fear scares me.

So yeah, I kind of just wandered around being weird all day and then we went to dinner and I kept getting the feeling that no one was listening to a word I said and that was horribly upsetting to me. Not because I give a shit...but because I realized that I really have nothing to say.

Anyway, dessert was good.

And I am going to bed.


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