2006-10-15 - 8:42 p.m.

Admittedly I don’t have the most exciting life. I do get out of the house at least once a day, usually, but I don’t often leave for more than an hour. But you know, I don’t have the kind of life where I am always doing something fantastic and exciting, even for an hour…because that kind of life stresses me out. I am a QUIET person. Typically on a Sunday morning/afternoon I don’t even like music playing. I like silence. Coffee, books, breakfast and silence.

Right now we have a guest and I’ve been catching myself every so often over the course of the last few days wringing my hands in a semi state of panic when I think, “oh jesus, Joe must be bored out of his mind and he must think I am insane because I’ve barely gotten out of my pajamas and all I do is cook, clean and sit around.” Two of these things, yes, I do do an disproportionate (compared to actual living) amount of. I have six cats, a huge house that is not just huge but OLD and I am beginning to believe that I am a bit obsessive compulsive about my food because I am getting to the point where I don’t even want to consume pre-made ketchup. So yes, I work my ass off with the cooking and cleaning. But on an average day I really, honestly do very little, if any, of the sitting on my ass crap. Usually, in fact, I find myself falling exhausted into my bathtub at night thinking about how nice it will be to be find some time to sit under the palm tree with a glass of wine and a book on the weekend. Anyway, anyway…since our guest arrived on Wednesday I have done nothing but cook and clean and sit on my ass. Because here is the problem. I cannot function when other people are around. I am JUST getting used to having Eric around all the time and I am still not at the top of my game with HIM (meaning, on weekends and lunch breaks I sit on my ass a lot). For some reason when people are around I completely space out. Lose it. Vacate the body. So every time we have a guest I kind of freak out because I am sure they think I am the most fucked up person they have ever met. It would appear that way. Yes.

So what I wonder…is….what do normal people do with their lives? With their normal days? Surely lives must be more exciting than mine, but does my boringness and homeboundness mean that I am fucked up, abnormal? Is it normal that I (we) watch TV while we eat dinner and then usually stay there for another hour (or two) after we are done? Is it normal that I can spend a few hours looking at clothes on E-bay? Is it normal that some days my spouse and I hardly say a word to one another…not because we are angry or annoyed with one another but just because we don’t have anything to say or the energy to say it with? Is it normal that my kitchen sponges get rotten smelling every so often even though I use them every day? Is it normal that I sometimes eat an entire bag of chips or an entire can of black olives within a span of a couple hours? AM I JUST A PIG? A GLUTTONESS, LAZY, PIG???? I don’t know. I’ve never lived with anyone really. I don’t know what normal is and I think, I really think, that I AM normal. That my life is NORMAL. But every time we have people here…I wonder….are they thinking that I am insane?


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