DELVING BETWEEN THE TOES OF LIFE....I AM TOEJAM


2006-10-15 - 8:42 p.m.

Admittedly I don�t have the most exciting life. I do get out of the house at least once a day, usually, but I don�t often leave for more than an hour. But you know, I don�t have the kind of life where I am always doing something fantastic and exciting, even for an hour�because that kind of life stresses me out. I am a QUIET person. Typically on a Sunday morning/afternoon I don�t even like music playing. I like silence. Coffee, books, breakfast and silence.

Right now we have a guest and I�ve been catching myself every so often over the course of the last few days wringing my hands in a semi state of panic when I think, �oh jesus, Joe must be bored out of his mind and he must think I am insane because I�ve barely gotten out of my pajamas and all I do is cook, clean and sit around.� Two of these things, yes, I do do an disproportionate (compared to actual living) amount of. I have six cats, a huge house that is not just huge but OLD and I am beginning to believe that I am a bit obsessive compulsive about my food because I am getting to the point where I don�t even want to consume pre-made ketchup. So yes, I work my ass off with the cooking and cleaning. But on an average day I really, honestly do very little, if any, of the sitting on my ass crap. Usually, in fact, I find myself falling exhausted into my bathtub at night thinking about how nice it will be to be find some time to sit under the palm tree with a glass of wine and a book on the weekend. Anyway, anyway�since our guest arrived on Wednesday I have done nothing but cook and clean and sit on my ass. Because here is the problem. I cannot function when other people are around. I am JUST getting used to having Eric around all the time and I am still not at the top of my game with HIM (meaning, on weekends and lunch breaks I sit on my ass a lot). For some reason when people are around I completely space out. Lose it. Vacate the body. So every time we have a guest I kind of freak out because I am sure they think I am the most fucked up person they have ever met. It would appear that way. Yes.

So what I wonder�is�.what do normal people do with their lives? With their normal days? Surely lives must be more exciting than mine, but does my boringness and homeboundness mean that I am fucked up, abnormal? Is it normal that I (we) watch TV while we eat dinner and then usually stay there for another hour (or two) after we are done? Is it normal that I can spend a few hours looking at clothes on E-bay? Is it normal that some days my spouse and I hardly say a word to one another�not because we are angry or annoyed with one another but just because we don�t have anything to say or the energy to say it with? Is it normal that my kitchen sponges get rotten smelling every so often even though I use them every day? Is it normal that I sometimes eat an entire bag of chips or an entire can of black olives within a span of a couple hours? AM I JUST A PIG? A GLUTTONESS, LAZY, PIG???? I don�t know. I�ve never lived with anyone really. I don�t know what normal is and I think, I really think, that I AM normal. That my life is NORMAL. But every time we have people here�I wonder�.are they thinking that I am insane?

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