2006-07-11 - 12:59 p.m.

As I have mentioned previously...I am the devil here in Europe for having five of my six cats declawed. It is something I never bring up, but for some reason my husband always finds the need to state it to everyone that meets my cats. I don't know why he does that. It can't be because he disapproves of the cats being declawed because he was the one that insisted Smitten get declawed. Maybe he just likes to get reactions from people. For instance, today at the vet he says, "Felicity has her claws, the others don't." This information isn't necessary and yet he always, always brings it up in reference to the cats. A couple months ago one of his friends was here at the house and was marvelling over the size of my cats (I only have two FAT cats but all of them are much bigger than European cats) and Eric says, "They don't have their claws." And then I got lectured and got the whole shaking the head in disapproval crap and BLAH! Anyway...last week Eric's friends had a surprise birthday party for him and this guy, the one that had lectured me, brought his wife and the first thing she said to me was, "So, your cats don't have their claws?" I felt my blood start to simmer. And in order to keep myself from having a total break down (the whole night turned into a disaster for me for various reasons I will not go into and I really didn't need to add arguments about how I am a cruel to my animals into the jumble of other disasters playing out around me) I said, "Oh, I know, it's terrible. I was SOOOOO young when I got those cats and I can't believe I did that!" I was cooing. Simpering. And I didn't mean a fucking word of it.

I've been finding myself doing that more and more often lately. Totally unwilling to engage in any sort of discussion with people. Period. I find ways to end things before they can get started. Several weeks ago, when Amy was here, I made this statement to someone who has relentlessly argued with me since I met him about my solitude. He insists, and always insists that I am lonely. In the past I have argued this. I try not to hurt people's feelings when they say, "You should meet my wife, it would be good for you to meet more people." I don't want to meet wives of people. If I want to make friends with people I will do it. Fuck. Leave me alone. Anyway...a few weeks ago this guy was out with us and he nudged me and said, "You look happy, I told you that having a friend would be good for you." (because Amy was here) And truthfully, that night I was kind of miserable. I had been bickering with Eric, I was completely on edge because I hadn't had any alone time in over a week, I had a lot of stuff going on PLUS, I was sick. So why he thought I looked happy???? I don't know. Anyway, that night I didn't feel like getting into it so I said, "You know, since Amy arrived I have realized just how lonely I am." And for the first time the guy was totally pleased with me. Like I finally gave him the right answer and BLAH!!

Anyway. About the fucking claws. I am so fucking sick of it. My cats are better taken care of than any other cat I have known. They are free except for the hours when I am sleeping and I bring them inside. (Because they don't have fucking claws I cannot just leave them outside for the night, they would get killed.) They eat the best food, play with imported cat nip, they are vigilently watched over for even a vague sign of illness, they are constantly loved and cuddled and talked to and I do everything I can to make sure they have an easy, comfortable life. Everything I do, EVERYTHING, revolves around the cats. Their comfort and happiness and health matters more to me than my own does. I've pulled these cats out of illnesses that would have killed them if they had any other provider. I sat for hours every day for over a month feeding fluids into Lucy's skin. I've diligently and obsessively watched every morsel of food that passes Squishy Cat's lips and if he hasn't had enough in a day I supplement with vitamins. I know at what time each cat poops for christ sake. But...I am the devil because I have taken their claws out.

I am so sick of it.

That is all for today.


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