2006-03-24 - 11:52 a.m.

Dear Diary,

Yesterday I finally received the results of my routine blood tests done at my physical in February.

I am a very healthy speciman. I cannot believe they do not want to use my body for testing and for use as the basis for reference.

I spent the majority of last night looking up things like anion gaps and eosinophils so I could understand what the hell all these numbers and words meant in terms of my body. It's all very fascinating. I would like to get routine bloodwork done yearly. I would like to be a doctor actually. But I don't want to see patients, I just want to study bloodwork results and compare that with diet and lifestyle.

My good cholesterol is very very very very excellent. My doctor even wrote a little handwritten, "Excellent!!!!" next to the number. I am far into the zone of good cholesterol where it starts to be protective. I am proud of that. Because I have very good eating habits. (thank you mother)

In other husband may or may not completely lose it. I am having a very difficult time with this and realize that I have absolutely no capacity to handle other people's stress. Which is a really awful thing to realize about ones self. I feel very close to panic about it all. And that, of course, is totally selfish. By going into near panic about my husband's stress, I am making it all about myself. Requiring him to then deal with my panic when he should be dealing with his stress. So right now I am sitting here trying very hard not to panic and trying to conjure all my soothing techniques. I must not panic.

Why am I in panic mode? Because I think that all this stress he has is caused directly by me. Which is of course, selfish. But I do, I believe that. If he didn't have me around all these other little things that keep happening wouldn't end up being such a huge deal. If he lived in an apartment in the city-ish he would have been much happier. But I had to have this isolated house. A house where things like leaves have to raked. And you have to drive to get anywhere. If he didn't have me around he wouldn't have six cats crawling all over him (he should be honored, they adore him...but I understand that if you don't want six cats crawling all over you that could be annoying)...he wouldn't have to deal with cat stuff. If he didn't have me around he wouldn't have to worry about me. He worries about me a lot. I feel, honestly, as though I've destroyed his life. But that's my own shit to deal with. And right now I need to take that off my table and just be soothing.

Last night within the 40 minutes that we were at the beach someone managed to break into our car...the absolute only thing that could have happened is that someone has a key that opens our car. Because, the doors were locked, and even of they weren't locked (which they were, I am certain), the glove compartment was locked with Eric's phone and cards in it. When we got to the car Eric's cards were sitting on the console and his phone was gone. For the second time. And there was no sign of forced entry. Someone is very crafty. It is really bullshit...the petty theft in this country. The entire time I lived in Michigan, which was 31 years, I had one purse stolen (from my unlocked car) and one car stereo stolen (also from my unlocked car. I never locked my car back in Michigan. And, I kept a $400 lawn mower sitting in the middle of my yard for most of the summer which never got stolen. I have been here for ten months and we have had two phones stolen (from a locked car) and a ladder (from our own, isolated back yard). It is all really ridiculous. Now Eric has to cancel all his cards and we are without money now for god knows how long because we have to wait for the cards to get here from the U.S. now. What a fucking pain in the ass.

Eric is beginning to hate it here more than I do. I want to stay here at least. He wants to leave.




I got up early today. I am very proud. When my brother is here I will have to get up early (in order to let the cats our for a couple hours before we leave for the day) so hopefully that will really reset my sleep clock. I miss the days when I had everything done for the day by 3 in the afternoon.

That is all.

Now I am going to go outside because it is terribly beautiful here these days and I want to spend as much time as I can outside before it turns into an inferno. Maybe I will set up a picnic outside for when Eric comes home for lunch. That would be soothing. Maybe...I just realized that the wind is raging. So maybe a picnic would just be stressful. SEE??? THIS IS AWFUL!!! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE SOOTHING! IT'S TOO STRESSFUL TO BE SOOTHING!



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