2006-03-15 - 2:13 a.m.

The greatest news ever!! My brother is totally trying to make this trip here happen!! I really think he might come here to visit in like DAYS!! DAYS!! Total excitement. Total.

Other than that...

I am totally freaking the fuck out. (not about my brother coming here) It's totally ironic because just a week ago I was saying how relaxed a person I had I am totally getting good at rolling with it, being at ease. Sleeping through nights.

Let me just tell you about the last few nights.

Saturday night I just wasn't tired at all. But I can usually get by that at bed time. hot water heater started leaking and that got my anxiety juices flowing. I was up, back and forth all night, making sure things weren't crashing through ceilings or flooding. And in the meantime...I was thinking about our very precarious predicament we find ourselves in since Eric's company just filed CHAPTER FUCKING 11. I am potentially homeless and worse than that...I don't even have a car to sleep in.

Sunday. I spent a very relaxing day in the sun reading. Because I had no energy from the previous nights lack of sleep to do anything but. It was lovely. I was outside for eight hours. Read an entire book. But here's the thing. T.C. Boyle is so good at his writing that it took me two days to figure out why I was suddenly so scared of wild animals grabbing one of my cats and fleeing into the night with it. Or why I suddenly felt it necessary to pack up all my valuables in an easy to carry bag and place it right by my bed along with my car key and cell phone in case the house caught on fire. It was, of course, because I read "Tortilla Flats" all day out in the sun and it is a book full of anxiety. Coyotes and fire. Anyway, I didn't sleep Sunday either.

Monday night. Was a bit better. But mostly because I just stayed awake until 4 am and didn't even pretend to want to fall asleep until I had absolutely no choice. But it was fitful. Fitful sleep.

So today just plain sucked ass. For many of which was the giant crane parked across our road all day that kept me from using the car. And I really needed to get out. Because you know, I've been under some stress. And...then I got TOTALLY freaked out about this whole shit sucking company crap...and I still am...and it's getting to be about 3 am. And I still haven't had any dinner. And I don't feel well. And I just wish I never would have sold my house.



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