2006-01-10 - 11:55 a.m.

I would like to know HOW it can be that I tell my brain every night before falling asleep that I WILL WAKE UP BEFORE TEN and brain somehow manages to override the direct command and allows me to push snooze for TWO HOURS. This has been going on for over a week now. That is ridiculous and I am getting really mad at myself.

How can I push snooze for two hours? I've never been a push snooze for two hours person.

Also I would like to know why I can never focus on long term things. Like learning this language crap. It's hard for me to know that if I start taking more classes today it is still going to be months and months before I can speak well enough to know more than the 10% of what I hear now. I have a really hard time with long term things...but I am working on it. Right now I am making a blanket and even though I am only one ball of yarn through it and have probably another twenty to go, which will take months, probably more than months, I am trying to turn that part of my brain off that tells me the process is too slow for my ADD mind.

It was last night that I realized that I have a hard time with long term crap. I decided yesterday that I am terrified that I will never even make a true attempt at living my dreams. That dream being to get something published. I don't care if it's once in a crappy-ish literary journal. I need to do it. And honestly I don't think I care if I ever actually attain that's the process of it, the everyday dream part of it that I need. And for the past two months I have written zilch. Nothing. Barely even diaryland entries. Because, poor me, I've been beside myself with all sorts of fucked up-ness. But I realize that letting myself sink any further into that fuck up-ness will really fuck me up. So I need to do something. And something would be writing a complete story. And I can never write a complete story unless I have to. So last night I searched through literary magazines for contests and submission periods and I wasn't looking for anything else other than -when is the closest deadline to today because I'd like to get this done in the next couple weeks-. I have no concept of working for months on something. None. That's why I can never gain more than five pounds over my normal weight. Because I have a feeling that if I ever gained more than that and it would take me more than a month to lose the excess and I would give up.

I am smart in the fact that I know my stupidities. Eric told me a couple weeks ago that I should go to the gym every day because I was saying how good it made me feel and how much I wanted to get into exceptional, knock your socks off shape and he said, "I don't know why you don't go to the gym every day have the time and it's right down the hill." My answer to that...because if I went everyday then I would get addicted to that routine and the second I had to get rid of that routine I would be thrown into a pit of total despair. I know that for the rest of my life I will be able to make it to the gym 3 or 4 times a week but I know that there is no way I can go 7 days a week for the rest of my life.

Note the stupidity...that is just one example.

Anyway...we have this flock of green parrots living in a tree next to our house and they are the loudest, weirdest birds I have ever known. When they start their noise I can do nothing but laugh. I don't know why. There is something in the pitch of their noise that must set my brain askew and I can just laugh at them. They are funny. I will be sad when they leave after the winter. Also...I've noticed that the catbird is back. When we came here last January there was a bird that sounded exactly like a cat meowing and it would always freak me out because I thought some cat was in dire straights. When we moved here in May the bird was gone and I was kind of sad because he is funny. Now he is back so he must winter here.

It's been like summer here the last two days. Okay, so that's kind of pushing it because I am still wearing a light jacket when I go for a walk...but it is really warm and as much as I miss the snow I am starting the think that I actually don't mind winter the way it is here. I would still, in a perfect life, chose to live where there is a proper winter...but I am not minding this lack of proper winter at all. ticket is purchased for my visit home on February 6th. I am excited. The first thing I am going to do (the morning after I not exactly the first thing I am going to do) is go to Meijer and buy Morningstar Farms breakfast patties, Aunt Millies wheat english muffins and Smuckers natural peanut butter and I am going to eat all of it. I will eat them all day until it's time to go to Indian Cuisine for dinner.

I can't believe how utterly packed my schedule is for my visit home. I have three appointments with various doctors...of course all scheduled on different days and in the case of my dental appointment, in a different city (due to the fact the my usual dentist apparently requires that you schdule your appointments six months in advance and couldn't squeeze me in for a stupid cleaning even though I explained that I will only be in the county for two weeks, AND I called over a month before I am due to arrive). I also have to get my glasses fixed, renew my drivers license and get the address changed. Renew my international drivers license, go to my old vet and get all the records for my cats...I have two appointments for facials (this might sound excessive but if you had my skin you would know how important it is), I also have a gift certificate for a massage that I need to use. I need to get my hair cut and my eyebrows waxed, buy a years supply of shampoo (this is part of the reason I am going back in February and not January or March, because my shampoo is half off in the month of February.) And...I have a road trip to Iowa to visit my best friend and her new baby. On the way to and from I will be staying with my brother in Chicago and just to fill up the rest of the time...I am picking up as many shifts at the restaurant that I can get my hands on. And somewhere in there I have two sets of grandparents to visit and I should probably go see the people I used to work for in high school because I have been promising them for the last two years (when they would call me or visit me at work) that I would come and see their new restaurant. And I have a whole fuck of a lot of food to eat....Indian Cuisine, Panda Forest, Mi Ranchito, Chicago Style Pizza, Rose Street Market, Waterstreet Coffee Joint, Jimmy John's or Big Joes or even Subway for big pickly sandwiches....MMMMMMMM.....FOOOOOOODDD.

I am excited to visit. And I am already excited to come back home because I know that I will be ready to come home to the cats and the boy and I will be recharged with ego and energy and maybe I can try again to make this Spain living happy. I let myself get too far down. Must reset.

Now I am going to the stupid grocery store for stupid water. The other night I accidently took a tiny sip of the water from our taps and it tasted exactly like salty ashes. Which is not what you would expect it to taste like since it smells like an over chlorinated swimming pool when it comes out of the taps. Remember the days when I could drink water from the tap?? Those were the good old days.


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