2005-12-31 - 6:26 p.m.

Dear Diary,

Why do I have such shattered nerves? Why?

I don't like it. Sometimes I feel like I would like to paint some coating of some sort over myh nerves...because I can feel them being quite literally frayed. And the craving I have at that point is for some sort of coating. Like drinking a milkshake when you have an upset stomach.

I hate my nerves. I found a ten dollar bill in an old coat. I was very excited about this. Because I probably, actually EARNED that ten dollar bill. might have been an actual tip or something.

Also...I was making fact, I was in the middle of making a whole New Years dinner and I came upstairs to check my mail and other stuff and when I went back downstairs to check the mushrooms I found that someone (Eric's friend) had totally taken over the task of making the mushroooms (why??) and now I feel like a mother bird whose babies have been touched by a human...I cannot go back to those mushrooms. That is why I am up here right now making an entry...because I lost the mojo in the kitchen. I am not sure I can make the rest of the dinner now. I've lost all focus and have in fact just left everything, including the fire I was in the middle of making, half done.

I am so fucking fucked up. Remember when I always said I needed to live alone or at least live NEXT DOOR to my husband...I should have listened to myself. Next door would have been good.


I do adore my darling boy so much but there are parts of life with him that I would rather lock out behind my front door. And I am sure he feels the same way about me.

I have to go back downstairs now and be social. Also...I need to find something Peptobismol like for my nerves.

This is why I smoked.


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