2005-12-16 - 5:01 p.m.


Be careful what you wish for, right?

I wanted friends to come and see me...and Talking Girl called today to tell me that not only is she coming here for THREE WEEKS but she is also going to be making the flight to Spain, WITH ME. When I come back from the States in February. Now...I can't be picky, right? I would love to have a friend here for a...for a minute...three weeks? Hmmmm...that might be a tad too much. I haven't seriously spent three weeks in the same house as another woman in over ten years. Let alone, Talking Girl (who I love, adore, cherish and blah blah blah.). Argh. And how do you tell someone that you aren't comfortable with them flying back with you because you don't do well flying with people? I fly much better alone. I WANT to be alone when I fly. I do not have time in my own panic/drunken state to explain things, talk or worry. I do my thing and that gets me through. I watch my movies and drink my wine and every so often go to the bathroom and try not to cry.

Argh. I am hoping that this three week/plane ride back with me thing doesn't deter me from going back to Michigan at the end of February because right now I REALLY need to go back. Maybe I should go at the beginning instead and really throw her off. HAHAHAHA!

I am having a slightly better day today. SLIGHTLY. I am still on the verge of collapse though and, like last night, all it takes is one tiny little thing and I will right back to rage/despair like I was last night.

Eric came home at lunch today and announced that he has been inquiring about cars for me. We REALLY shouldn't get me a car right now (due to certain circumstances) but I really don't know how much longer I can live like this. The car thing is much larger than one would think. I HAVE access to transportation...yes...I have lot of access to it...but in all cases it is me depending on other people and I have NOTHING for which I am depending on myself for anymore and I REALLY REALLY REALLY need it. A car. I need choice. I need to know that if at 4:45 in the afternoon if I decide I want to go to the beach I can GET IN MY CAR AND GO TO THE BEACH. Choice. Freedom. I need it. I also need it so that we can start living a normal life and we don't have to squeeze big grocery shopping in to the weekend. If I had a car I could go when I wanted to and NOT ON THE WEEKEND. I hate weekends.

ANYWAY...I went to the gym today and now I am going downstairs to do TaeBo and tomorrow when I wake up I should be so sore that I won't be able to move all day and that is kind of the plan. Well...actually the plan is to go to Barcelona tomorrow to wander around and get falafel...but...maybe I won't be able to. Sore. Billy Blanks is my hero. He's so cool.

I will try not to rage tonight. I will try not to rage tonight. I will try not to rage tonight.


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