2005-10-29 - 6:17 p.m.

Seriously, I am a fucking moron.

In the minutes before Eric was leaving last week I was in a last minute, frantic hurry to get everything together that I wanted him to take care of in the States. Part of this included getting pictures developed. We had a few rolls of film we have taken over the past months as well as a couple rolls from right before we left Michigan and I had all these rolls of film sitting in a drawer with an old bag full of film I never get developed. Some of this film is at least ten years old. I think. Honestly I have no idea what is on any of that film. Anyway, Eric says, "Why don't I take all the film and get it developed?" And I was like..."well, you know some of this film is really old and it is sure to have pictures of me and Jon on it," and Eric shrugged and said, "Yeah? So?" And for whatever reason I just handed him to whole bag of film. And he got it developed. And I am mortified. I don't know what could be on that film and I am certain that there is nothing least nothing like me and Jon naked rolling around in tussled sheets or anything like that. I am sure there aren't any sexy, revealing pictures of me that Jon took because he never really took notice of that kind of stuff anyway. And honestly, I think that even if those kinds of pictures were in there I wouldn't be as bothered as I am at the thought of Eric looking at pictures of my previous life. Because for most of those years that are sure to be viewed in those rolls of film I hated myself. I was a vain little snot bitch. It's like when my brother and I were watching this video of us that my dad had taken of us in Hawaii when I was in eighth grade...every time someone took the camera off me I would try to get back in the shot and at one point I whined OUT LOUD, "PUT THE CAMERA ON MEEEEEEE." It's disgusting and every time I think about that I get sick to my stomach. I would die if Eric ever saw that video. I would really, really die.

This is the kind of thing I hope he doesn't find in those pictures. Me looking at Jon with hatred in my eyes. Because I was a bitch with Jon...I was in a bad relationship and instead of doing anything about it I just turned into a bitch. I don't want Eric to see me visibly hating my ex-boyfriend. I also hope there is nothing in that bag of film from my "wild" period after I broke up with Jon. I hardly remember that time anyway, it wasn't me living it anyway. And mostly, I just hope there aren't any pictures in there of me being all young and vain. There were years when I flaunted. Eric would have HATED me back then. He wouldn't have even given me the time of day. And I don't want him to ever SEE it...he knows about it, but I don't want him to SEE it. We all have demons in our closets and my demon is that I was a fucking vain bitch who cheated on her boyfriend and made all sorts of (human)mistakes and still acted like she was the absolute shit. It's one thing to tell your loved one about your's another thing entirely for him to see it, even if it is just in a pile of pictures.

I feel like an idiot and I am totally stressed out thinking about the fact that as I write this Eric is probably going through those piles of pictures progressively growing to hate me more and more. Okay, so that's a little dramatic...Eric would never hate me because he loves me and knows that I am the sum of my experience...and part of that experience includes my stupid years (which actually makes up most of my cumulative life). Still...I am very embarrassed. Don't EVER let your loved one take ancient rolls of film 5,000 miles away to be developed for you, unless you are there to grab out incriminating pictures that you never want anyone to see.

Man, I am full of advice lately.


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