2005-09-24 - 1:38 p.m.

Last night I got walloped with homesickness. I mean, walloped. It was terrible. I am not homesick for general “home”…I was homesick for my house, specifically my bathtub and my bedroom and the quiet hush of the house at 4 am. If I somehow manage to make some money in this lifetime I am buying my house back and I will live there sometimes.

You know that feeling that you get sometimes when you are just sitting at home, quiet and you look around you and you get this strange euphoric feeling wash over you. A feeling that you are overwhelmingly happy in your home? I used to get that a lot at my old house. I haven’t gotten it yet here, in this house and I have a feeling I never will. (This is about the actual HOUSE, mind you, not about LIFE.) This house, as perfect as it may seem, is just not my home. There is nothing in this house that says, “Whisper lives here.” I know I need desperately to paint the orange living room a different color…maybe then this winter when I am on the couch with a book and a roaring fire in the fireplace and it is cold outside and the cats are snoring beside me…maybe then I will look around and get that euphoric feeling.

I had to rush my cat to the vet the other day. He got in a fight with the biggest cat I have ever seen in my life (and incidentally, when I got to the scene of the cat fight over the wall my cat had the biggest cat I have ever seen in my life PINNED to the ground which made me, insanely, proud…until I realized that the poor other cat might be getting hurt in the process of being pinned and what kind of person am I that I get proud of my cat for fighting???) and in that rapid moment of panic after I grabbed him off the cat and started running with him to the house I saw two things…he had bloody drool pouring out of his mouth and the side of his face was ripped away. I got him to the house, picked up the phone and breathlessly demanded that Eric get someone to call the vet and to get home immediately. In the meantime I gathered the other cats, put them in the house, got dressed, got the cat carrier from the garage and ran around in a tizzy, crying my eyes out, looking for Bubba whose face, I was sure, had sustained irreparable damage. I looked in all the hiding spots downstairs and I couldn’t find him so I rushed upstairs and…there he was….sitting calmly in front of his food dish, eating. There was no sign of anything being wrong with him any longer and the only thing I could assume was that his lip had been turned inside out during the fight and that he had put it back in place. That his lip had been that murky black thing I had seen on the side of his face…it hadn’t been bloody insides of a face…it had been his inside out lip. So I call Eric back and tell him to forget it…but being the good husband he is he had already found someone to call the vet and the vet was awaiting our arrival and he was on his way to get me. So I take the cat to the vet anyway…I figure it would be good because they will give me antibiotics (they usually do if the cat has been in a fight because cats are very prone to abscesses and it’s best to stave them off and not just wait for them to appear)and like I did back in Michigan, I would give Bubba a days worth of pills (I know, I know you aren’t SUPPOSED to do this)and save the rest for “just in case”. Like just in case a cat gets a bad infection during a holiday weekend or something when I don’t have a car…it’s just nice to have emergency antibiotics. AND…I also wanted to talk to the vet about my cat Bay Bay because his hair is out of control and I need to do something about it because last week as I was trying to cut off a large chunk of matted hair I cut a big gash in his skin…a huge gash. Which is way worse than when I accidentally cut off his whiskers. You would never believe what happens to his hair. It’s incredible. It turns into this hard chunk of armor. All of it and it is impossible to get it off. This last spring the vet cut off the remaining chunk on his chest that hadn’t fallen off (usually the hair underneath the chunk will grow in and force big chunk off eventually)and that went well…but right now he needs to be shaved. His hair keeps getting worse instead of better this year. So…I talked to the vet about it and he said they would shave him but they need to put him under to do it and I made the appointment but am pretty sure I won’t go through with it because I just don’t like the idea of putting him under just to shave his hair.

Anyway…Bubba DID have a small cut inside his mouth (which would account for the bloody drool) and he was pretty beat up otherwise, lots of little scratches and stuff so I got the antibiotic. (and it was funny because the last time Bubba was at that vet he kept jumping off the table and going to sit on the scale…so this time when the vet said we needed to get Bubba weighed I simply released my hold on him and said, “Bubba, go to the scale,” AND HE DID!! And it was SO funny and the vet said incredulously, “That’s a good cat.”) But what I realized when I was in there was that the inside of Bubba’s lip didn’t look at all like what I had seen on the side of his face…what I had first assumed was his face being ripped off and then figured to have been his lip turned inside out…later Eric and I were sitting on the couch and he says, “OH GOD…THAT’S NOT A TURD IS IT???” and points at something on the other couch which looked to me like a hairball and once I got to it I realized it was a leaf or something and then suddenly, as I am picking it up (it was some strange pod like thing that looks like a giant vanilla bean)I realize that THIS is what had been on Bubba’s face…this pod thing. I felt really dumb. But it did get my Boy home earlier than usual. And that was cool.

Last night we found out that The Nutcracker has a run at Christmas time here…and that makes me happy because for the last five years I have been trying to go to The Nutcracker and I always fail to get there. THIS YEAR I AM GOING.

I signed up for two more writing classes. Poetry and a Reading Fiction class. They both start on October 4. So I will be busy in October, I will have three classes going.

That is all. I am going to go plant tulip bulbs now. That will help make this house mine and maybe this Spring I won’t get all fucked up thinking about all the tulips that will be in bloom at my old house.


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