2005-09-10 - 12:34 a.m.

More than I like cooking I like to feed people. So when my husband announces that he feels a little “heavy” and that he is going to start watching what he eats from now on because his running is suffering I get thrown into a mild yet oh so whiney panic attack. When he called this morning and said, “see you in about an hour,” at the end of our conversation (he comes home for lunch every day) I snapped back, “Yeah, well, I’m not making lunch for you ever again so you are on your own buddy,” as though his desire to watch what he eats is a personal attack on me.

But I guess I do kind of feel that way…because I cook good foods, nourishing foods and so if the person who I feed, the person who is mostly sustained by my food, complains that he isn’t feeling “up to par” I am going to take that personally. With a couple exceptions everything I make is healthy and nourishing and good. I honestly think about food groups and vitamins when I am cooking. And even those things that I make that aren’t exactly healthy food (the pizza and the nachos…) they aren’t BAD for us, I (and so then we) are vegetarian so the things about nachos and pizza that make them even worse than just bad (the greasy meat) are automatically not included. They have cheese and the nachos have those evil delicious chips…but we don’t eat them every day.

I could refrain from making delicious chocolate chip cookies…but then again, I don’t make them that often. (The chocolate chip cookie thing is the one bad thing about not working any longer. I used to make a batch of cookies and eat one or two myself and then take the rest to work. Now I make the stupid cookies when I get a craving for them and I will eat one or two and then the next day they are still there and I will have one or two or four and this just continues until they are gone. Also…in my past life I would throw things out my back door when I wanted to quit eating them. I can’t do that here because of the stray cats I am desperately trying to keep away from my house.)

I too feel a little heavy these days because my body is definitely adjusting and changing in accordance to my new life. I’m not on my feet all day long anymore and I’m not strung out and stressed out and flipping between emotions any longer. I have probably gained not more than five pounds since I arrived here…but there is a definite change in my body shape and while I don’t like it I do know that I am getting healthy. I am RELAXING. And relaxing is good. I can feel it when I exercise, there isn’t that almost overwhelming energy (fueled by angry, fed up adrenaline)that used to push me, I feel more like listening to Enya now when I am working out and not Nine Inch Nails. So I’ve been thinking lately that I would like to get rid of that little weight I’ve gained since I arrived here but cutting out food didn’t ever occur to me because really, if I cut anything out of my diet, with a couple exceptions, I would be starving and unhealthy. So I had been planning to add a little more exercise to my week....more yoga.

Also…I could probably really extremely stand to cut back on the alcohol. I suspect that more than anything it is the beer that is doing me in. But oh how I love to have a beer at the pool! I love love that. But…I also know that I never like beer in the winter anyway and I also know that every single summer for my entire life, except for the one summer when I broke up with my ex boyfriend and I lost a scary amount of weight, I have gained weight. I always, always gain weight in the summer because I hate summer. I am very uncomfortable in the summer and I am always eating something trying to make myself comfortable. It isn’t comfort eating like you are thinking…it is eating things like ice cream so I can cool down. Or drinking an ice cold fizzy beer. The last three days have been cool and rainy here, my kind of weather, and I was so perfectly comfortable that I forgot to eat yesterday until about eight in the evening when I noticed that I was shaking.

And my dear husband could think about putting down the goddamn Japanese rice crackers and the BBQ peanut crap before he starts saying that he isn’t eating anymore.(and just so you know…he’s insane for thinking he is gaining any weight because he isn’t…I suspect that what is hurting his running is that he too is starting to relax and chill and he isn’t all sleep deprived and living on adrenaline anymore either) When the girls where I used to work would go on their stupid diets I would get SO irritated with them because they would stop eating breakfast and lunch, maybe just have a grapefruit (with sugar…uh….DUH???) and it wasn’t as though they ever ate bad foods, actually the group of people I worked with were rather healthy (with the exception of Talking Girl…but she also doesn’t have to worry about what passes her lips)eaters when it came to their meals. What they didn’t look at was the extra sausage or bacon they picked at. The chocolate chip pancake mistakes that the cooks would put on our counters and we would swarm with spoonfuls of butter and cans of whipped cream. The dishes of olives, the hot buttered O’s…all these things we would just nibble at through the day. THAT would be the cause of their extra weight. NOT the oatmeal with banana and English muffin they had for breakfast.

Maybe I’m just traumatized. When Eric announced last night that he is cutting back I got all freaked out and whiney about it. In addition to feeling like the food I make is unhealthy and bad, I also felt like he was ruining MY future food life by saying that. And that probably comes from my ex boyfriend’s habits. When he would start gaining weight he would never, ever, exercise to get rid of, no. Instead he would go on these massive restrictive diets where he would eat NO fat. And he was fucking dedicated like you wouldn’t believe. He would still get his Sunday pizza but he would get it with NO CHEESE and I would suffer for that because I loved Sunday pizza but I couldn’t very well get my own pizza WITH cheese (because I wanted to be supportive)so I had to eat the icky pizza with no cheese and that took away some serious pleasure for me. One time he even tried to make rice krispy(and I think the proper word is actually Rice Krispies Treats but I just can’t say so it will always be Rice Kristy Treats to me) treats with fat free “butter” because he wanted Rice Krispy Treats (and now so do I) but couldn’t have them because of the butter. He would lose the weight, every single time, but I always felt like I had suffered from it. Cooking wasn’t fun for me anymore and I didn’t get my Sunday pizza or my Sunday ice cream and it was just not good. So when Eric announced his plans I think I must have felt like I was going to be returning to that kind of situation.

Anyway, I just hope this doesn’t last too long because I really wanted to make pizza this weekend and that’s going to really suck that I can’t have it.


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