2005-08-18 - 1:03 a.m.
Right now I am sitting outside, practicing. I am practicing for my new life. Next week I start my writing classes. So I am spending at least an hour a day, straight through, writing. No stopping, just constant writing for at least an hour. I feel very, very ready to start those classes and now, because the other night I finally did something I should have done a long fucking time ago, I feel, for the first time in a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY long time…free and safe and open. I am relieved and ready to start this life. I am free now to get off that edge of my seat where I have been for the last forever amount of years…I can now settle back in comfort or I can stand up and move about freely…all I know is that I am OFF THE EDGE OF THAT SEAT and I will never, ever, ever be there again. I now have purpose, plans and clear space in my mind and heart. All because I finally found my courage and I told my husband….
You know how it feels when you are reading Crime and Punishment and you are completely stressed and on edge and distracted the entire time you are reading it? That is basically how I realize I have felt for a long time. I realize now that it was terribly unsettling for me to even be in my own husbands presence most of the time because the whole time we were sitting there watching movies, eating dinner, sharing a bottle of wine, walking along the beach, listening to music in the car, walking through Paris, puttering about the house…every time we were in the same space I was thinking, “I SHOULD JUST TELL HIM RIGHT NOW.” And every time something would keep me from doing it.
At first I kept thinking that I should wait until I knew everything. So for a month or so I was just kind of holding still….just waiting until I knew. And then I had my information and I was going to tell him but he was going to the U.K. to see his friend and I didn’t want to ruin his trip. He returned to Spain and there was more stuff going on, visitors and his job was stressing him out and I didn’t want to add to that or ruin his time with visitors. Then it got way too hot here and he and I were both totally stressed out because of the heat and I didn’t want to make THAT worse…it was already bad enough that we were both easily agitated and couldn’t even stand, because of the sheer discomfort of heat, to hug one another for a moment. And then it was our anniversary and he really, really wanted to go to Paris and I had so many reasons why I wanted to stay here, my cats, my tomatoes and THIS THING THAT HAD BEEN EATING AWAY AT ME…but I didn’t tell him then, nor did I tell him on the way home, as I had been planning to do, because it was so nice in the car and it was FINALLY cool and we could hug and cuddle again. Things just kept coming up. There was another night when I made a really good dinner, the night of my four hour soup, and we split a bottle of wine and it was just comfortable and I was relaxed and I was going to tell him as soon as the movie ended and then the fucking phone rang and his friends announced that they were here and they whisked him away for the night and I cried, and I cried because I just wanted it off my chest…and then there was another night I was all geared up and then my cat peed on the floor and he was irritated with that, of course, and I just couldn’t irritate him more…and then we had visitors and THAT wasn’t the right time. I’ve been waking up for the past MONTH thinking, “TODAY I HAVE TO TELL HIM.” So the other day when I woke up I resolved I would do it and I knew I finally would because at that point I didn’t really have a choice.
I spent that whole day cleaning and then after he went running and had dinner I went to get him a wine glass, thinking that he might need a drink after I told him. But my heart was pounding so hard and I was so scared I was sweating and I couldn’t remember where the fuck I had put the small wine glasses so I just grabbed the tray of Scotch we have set up for when there are visitors and I walked into the room. He said, “Uh, what are you doing?” And I said, “I am bringing this because you might need a drink after I tell you what I have to tell you.” And he got a look on his face and then I got more nervous and stupid feeling and it was AWFUL.
But I told him and he started laughing. Yes, laughing. Because he didn’t think it was such a huge deal. I mean, he thinks it is a deal, but it isn’t such a huge deal that I should have been so worked up all this time about it and made such a dramatic scene about it. But…I guess to me it is a huge deal, it really is. First of all, this is not how I wanted to start my marriage and also, this situation has been wearing at me for three years now, it’s been a BURDEN, a huge, huge burden. And second of all I worry that this whole thing will somehow burden him like it did me and HE will turn into the manic mess that was once ME. And that was the worst thought ever. I HATE that thought and it is THAT thought that kept me from telling him for so long. I really did not want to ruin his life, not even for one moment.
But I did tell him, because I had to. And now I can finally breathe. I can finally be in the same room with him and not feel all nervous and stupid and edgy. I can finally love him, love this life I have been presented with, with all my being. And it’s amazing, this is all amazing. I CAN BREATHE!!!!!
It’s very funny to me because I remember distinctly, sitting on my kitchen floor crying my eyes out about three years ago, just like I had done five years ago, eight years ago, ten years ago…screaming at the top of my lungs, “WHY CAN’T ANYTHING GO RIGHT FOR ME????” I was so fucking pissed that/those night(s) because NOTHING had EVER gone right for me…not even the simplest thing. And now here I am…and everything is suddenly just that… absolutely right.
And no, MOTHER, I am NOT pregnant.
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