2005-05-31 - 6:04 p.m.

Someone close and dear to me assured me that the reason we (he and I) both had such terrible sinus problems living in Michigan was because we were of Italian, Mediterranean decent, that our bodies genetically weren’t designed to tolerate the weather of North America and especially Michigan. And this actually made sense to me. Until I arrived here in Spain, smack dab on TOP of the Mediterranean for heavens sake and have been suffering possibly the worst sinus headache of my life. I say worst not because it is the most painful one I have had but worst because its duration has far exceeded any headache I have ever had AND it is totally without reason. I have not even been within “Hmmm…someone is smoking close to here but I don’t exactly know where” distance of cigarette smoke in three weeks except for Friday when we went to dinner. So I am agitated and totally depressed and falling into some sinkhole now because yesterday all I could do was sit on the couch and not move and so that set off my depression mode chemicals and now today it is hard to crawl out of that.

AND…I’ve had nightmares every night for the last two weeks. It’s seriously as though my mind wouldn’t let me deal with this move until it was over and any and all anxiety I had about this move is now manifesting itself, late, in nightmares that leave me in panic mode all day long.

Add to that the disconcerting, terribly haunting episode last night that tore me out of sleep nightmare into waking nightmare. Within the peaceful silence of Spanish night a bird was suddenly caught and murdered by something directly outside our open bedroom window. My ears are keened to the sounds of birds and other small creatures after many years of listening to them for fear that my cats are killing something. So it doesn’t take much for me to wake up and fly out of bed automatically going for the door to rescue something. So last night when this bird was captured and began its death wail it was probably only a fraction of a second before I was flying down the stairs to rescue it. Then I woke up and realized there was no way I could rescue this bird because one I wasn’t sure where it was coming from and two, it wasn’t from our yard which meant that I would have to unlock gates and doors and wander into the street to find this bird and by the time I had done that it would have been too late. So I had to stand there, in the dark hall, listening to this bird being loudly murdered. It was awful. And it lingers with me today.

I’m having a hard day.

Tomorrow Eric leaves for a few days. There is part of me that wants to go with him and there is part of me that is happy to have a few days alone. It has been more difficult getting used to living with someone than I thought it would be. Not because I don’t want to live with someone…I am happy to live with him…it’s just different and is taking some getting used to . AND…I am happy to be alone for a few days because I need to just spend three really concentrated days getting this house together. Having the boy around is a distraction. I also NEED to be alone for a few days because I need to gather my courage. I need to practice my independence. I need to just get in the car and go to the store alone, go to the beach to walk alone…I need to drive alone and be alone. It’s too easy, when Boy is here, to rely on him. I need to suck it up because I am never going to be happy relying on someone else. Plus, I can’t go with him even though I CRAVE Paris right now because I am just not comfortable leaving my cats alone yet.

You know what I miss the most? I miss walking, I miss my walk. I miss getting home from work, checking e-mail, taking a big, long gulp of air and donning my walking shoes while Smudge swarms around my ankles saying goodbye. I miss stepping out of the house, down the two front steps and onto the sidewalk. I miss the way the sun feels in Michigan, the way I know what time it is by the way the sun feels. I miss hearing the familiar sounds as I walk, birds that I know, dogs that I know, children whose voices and language are familiar to me. I miss not having to pay too awful much attention to where I am going, only to look both ways for cars and that sort of thing. I miss maybe seeing my mother and brother at the coffee shop, I miss walking by the party store at the end of my street and saying hello to the people that own it if they are outside. I miss the slowing down as I get closer to my house, the not wanting to end the walk quite yet. I miss gathering garbage from the yard, or going to my car for something, not quite ready to go inside. And then I miss the quiet of my house. Sitting on my couch, dinner, setting sun through the window. I miss the routine we, my cats and I, had. It will come. It will come. I know. Every day I look for things we are repeating, I am desperate for routine. I was happy when Bear started running at top speed towards the door, like he did back home. I am happy when Smitten looks interested in the bathtub, he hasn’t yet gotten back into the routine of perching on the edge while I am in the bath, and maybe he won’t ever do that again, but I am hoping. I miss having a regular wakeup time. I’ve been getting up anywhere between 7 and noon here. I hate that. I am so desperate to have a routine. These days alone are going to be good. I so need them. I need to get my routine. I think mostly right now I just need to get out of this house.

Me thinks I am going stir crazy.


Get your own
 diary at! contact me older entries

previous - next

Get your own
 diary at! contact me older entries

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at!