2005-04-13 - 8:55 a.m.

I can only hope that once I reach Spain I can get some sort of normal, healthy routine going. I am totally fucked up right now in terms of health. I know this. I know that I am in the midst of some weird, freaked out, panic yet lethargic depression and it is hurting me and I can only hope that once I reach Spain I can somehow crawl out of this because it is really fucking with me. It is really sad when someone sleeps all afternoon (yeah, I was TIRED and had just taken a bath because I was cold and it is justifiable that I fell asleep at three) and then takes a fucking SLEEPING PILL at 9 so they can sleep more because they aren’t tired any more but have no desire to be awake. That is SICK. I am SICK. At least I am not drinking wine and falling asleep in work clothes anymore. At least now I am getting into pajamas and washing my face before I fall prey to delicious sleep.

Today I have an appointment to get the “normal” lump in my breast checked out. I’ve had this “normal” lump for years. But a few weeks ago I thought it had gotten bigger and ever since then I have this manic need to check it every five seconds. So I am going to the doctor to get it checked for real. I know what I am going to be told. That I drink too much coffee and that causes lumpy breasts. Though apparently caffeine induced lumpy breasts are different than breast cancer lumpy breasts. The lumps are different and doctors know which kind of lump feels suspicious and which don’t. So I suspect my appointment will go something like this. I wait an hour to get in, doctor comes in room, feels my breast for five tenths of a second and says, “You drink too much caffeine.” And then I will leave and go to AAA to get my international drivers license.

Yesterday I ran into my sister at the airport. Yeah, I have a sister. But not really. I just lack a proper term for her. She is indeed biologically as much my sister as my brothers are my brothers. But because of circumstance and an intervention from my grandparents 30 some years ago, she was put up for adoption at birth and I never knew her, though I was very aware growing up that she existed, until I was 25. And since meeting her I have gone out with her a couple times, talked on the phone with her a couple times, seen her when she comes to breakfast a couple times. And I am always confused after seeing her. Because I grew up having a lot of emotion tied into her. And when I did finally meet her I realized that a sister, a brother, is not someone that you are blood related to as much as it is someone who you were raised with. I have a lot to say about this issue..I actually wrote and entry yesterday about it and deleted it after it was posted for ten minutes. I just can’t get right what I want to say. So I am just going to leave it at this.

I probably can’t get right what I want to say because my mind is busily drafting a letter to the government of Wisconsin about this proposed making cat hunting legal crap. Here’s what I think about this. I totally understand that some people hate cats. I understand that the population of cats is out of control and that songbirds (yes, songbirds are the reason they are using for legalizing cat hunting) do get killed (and honestly, I HATE birds and find them VERY annoying but I would NEVER EVER EVER shoot them and in fact have had my share of injured birds in my house and have in fact taken numerous birds to rescue units and have in fact even kept two baby birds in my house that I rescued at three in the morning after they had been pushed from their nests (for training purposes) and then caught by my cat Smitten…after having them in here and contacting the proper people I then set up a “nest” (a laundry basket) in a tree and waited patiently for their mother to come and get them. I also had that bird a couple years ago that Eric found in a parking lot, the little baby bird that I hand fed every hour and took to work with me so I could feed him and traveled with him so I could feed him and then took him to Ann Arbor to a bird rescue. So…I HATE birds but I also respect life. Hunting is despicable and the only way I could ever remotely understand it is if someone is hunting for food. And I doubt VERY much that anyone is going to eat a cat. Basically I know that this cat hunting thing is being proposed so people have more things to shoot at. Because people like to shoot and kill. And I just can’t understand why people can’t see how SICK that is? It’s fucked up that people get some high off killing something. If Wisconsin wants to do something about the out of control cat population they can implement a spay/neuter program. I was very impressed by a group in Florida that caught stray cats and had them fixed and then set them free. It would take a lot of time for things to get right, but it is a step in the right direction. Shooting cats isn’t going to fix anything. AND further…I am very confused about the priority. They say that cats kill millions of songbirds every year…but it is legal to shoot doves. And why are they only concerned with the songbird, why not the crow or some other bird that is “a nuisance” (and why would a crow be a nuisance?)? Crows annoy people. I personally love crows and they are the only bird I really like.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to live somewhere where it is 68-70 degrees every day and gets down in the forties at night. As much as I love snow and bitter cold, I don’t much care for the way I can never get warm in the winter. I don’t like being to the bone cold, but I do enjoy a walk in brisk cold. And I just despise everything about summer. I can’t enjoy myself in summer at all. But these last days when it was almost 70 every day were wonderful. Perfect. It is easy to live when it is 70 degrees.

I am reading a book by Phillip Roth right now called Sabbath’s Theater. It is a very gross book. Sexually deviant and rather disturbing. But Phillip Roth can certainly write about being human and I am enjoying it. I almost feel guilty reading it because it is so deviant.

Which reminds me of something. When I was a kid I spent a lot of time at my grandparents house. I used to stay in the room my mother and aunt shared. But somehow once I had to stay in my uncles old room and I picked out a book from their bookshelf that was between their beds. And it was some dirty book about a doctor and a nurse. Totally sexually explicit. And from then on I always wanted to stay in my uncles old room so I could read their dirty books. And that makes me feel guilty because I was only like ten at that time. I have to wonder if my grandparents knew those books were there?

I am trying to order music right now. From BMG. Because I want to cancel that account before I move but I have free CD’s. And I can’t think of anything to get. I’ve added Tom Petty, The Wallflowers (because I used to love them) and I can’t think of anything else so I am open to recommendations.


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