2005-04-10 - 8:27 a.m.

So yesterday I am sitting here eating an artichoke and watching some show on TV while looking for shoes on line and who should show up? My ex boyfriend. It was weird because yesterday for some reason every time a car went by I looked out the window frantically thinking someone was here. (which I do anyway, I am always frantically thinking someone pulled into my driveway but yesterday I was on even more of a watch.) Anyway, I thought that he was just stopping by to ask me something about getting my furniture from his warehouse so I just stepped outside. And he started just talking , not anything in particular, just talking. So then one of my cats ran by and I went after him to catch him so Jon could see him (Jon loved the cats) and then we sat in my backyard and talked for a couple hours. About nothing really, just talking about life happenings and that sort of thing. ANYWAY…the reason I am writing this is because Jon has this thing about women. When I was dating him he always referred to women as either dingy, psycho, crazy or loony. ALL of his ex girlfriends were one of those things and I was smart enough to realize eventually that they were probably NOT any of those things, that’s just what he said when he didn’t understand someone. I KNOW why his ex girlfriend Suzanne broke up with him, she was actually one of my friends for a while and I knew her when she was dating him and when I started dating him they were still friends who had lunch. I had asked her about him and she had simply said, “I love Jon, he is one of the best people on earth, but he is really, really hard to love romantically.” And I totally understand that. I understood it almost immediately. I think it was our third date, after we had started kissing, when we went to the mall and I reached for his hand and he reflexively yanked it back when I took it in my hand. I knew, for a long time, that I shouldn’t be with him in a romantic sense but by the time I had gotten to that conclusion it was too late because I already loved him as a person and there was no apparent reason, other than a lack of intimacy and touching and ability to love in a manner that is fulfilling, for breaking up with him. So that made me do crazy things, that made me crazy. If that makes any sense.

Anyway…I was reminded after talking to him yesterday that he is the reason I always say anyway.

And…it appears that I did indeed also become one of those crazy women he speaks of. He called a girl he is seeing while he was here (he was supposed to have been at her house at eight and he had to call to say he would be late) and she asked what he wanted for dinner and asked if he wanted turkey dogs and he said, “I LOVE turkey dogs,” with a pointed glance at me (because I ADORE turkeys and he knew that would get my goat) and I made a face and then he says, “Actually, I have never had a turkey dog, I am just saying that out of spite, you know that psycho girl Whisper that I used to date? She loved turkeys, they were her favorite.”

Another reason it was so hard to break up with him was because he was such a character…it made it really difficult because in that time when I was trying to get over him I would always be reminded of him and having him in my mind all the time proved a difficult thing to work through. Every time I saw good tomatoes at the store I wanted to call him because he was always searching for good tomatoes and always complained about the lack of good tomatoes. Every time I had a peanut butter cup that was perfectly fresh and delicious I wanted to buy a bunch and take them to him because he loves fresh candy bars. So part of who he is has to do with his clothing. He is super picky about his t-shirts, for one. And for as long as I have known him he has been wearing the same outfit. In summer it is the same shorts and a t-shirt. In winter it is Levis and a t-shirt with a blue sweatshirt like thing over it. It isn’t like he wears the SAME clothes every day (except the blue sweatshirt, that is his “coat”) he just buys many of the same item of clothing. Anyway…yesterday he was wearing that damn blue sweatshirt and it was worn at the elbows, all the fabric was worn away and all that was left was a mesh like fabric and the ends of the sleeves were all tattered. It was hilarious. I remember showing pictures from one of our trips to Florida to someone once and they were cracking up and said, “what the hell is wrong with him?” because in the picture he was wearing his favorite t-shirt at that time and it was torn to shreds. One shoulder was so torn up that it hung off his shoulder.

So yesterday he was talking about this girl he has been seeing and apparently she has told him that she just isn’t interested and yet she calls him all the time to do things and he is already calling her crazy too…but I totally understand where she is coming from and what is going on. He is such a wonderful person, so honest, so loyal, so giving, has a good job, is very well spoken and intelligent and responsible almost to a fault…and yet, there is that thing about him, the inability to really mesh with a woman. I realized one day shortly after I started dating Eric that what I had been missing in my relationship with Jon was simply…touching. Not a contrived touch, but the way that Eric will just rest a hand on my leg, or kiss my forehead, or stroke my hair. He does that because that is what he wants to do…it is a reflex. It is subconscious signal that he wants to be near me, that he is sharing life with me and wants to be as close as he can be to me. And it is fucking IMPORTANT. Also, with Jon, he is very literal, very rational. That was hard because even if something was bothering me immensely, something small and irrational, he would just shrug it off…because maybe it didn’t make sense and was blown out of proportion…but whether or not, it was something that bothered me and Eric will listen to me and even though he is very literal and rational, he will talk me through it. He will listen and understand that if something bothers me it can’t just be shrugged off.

So I just wanted everyone to know that if you happen to encounter a man wearing tattered clothes and who says, “anyway,” all the time and happens to say, “this (or that) girl is dingy, a psycho, a total loon,” just ignore him and don’t think bad things about those girls he is talking about. And if you want to date him…do it, he’s one of the best people on earth and I love him…but just be aware, he is the most difficult person to be in a romantic relationship with. But he’s worth it, totally, if you can crack him. And if you do meet him…try to get him to stop smoking. He hates smokers.


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