2005-02-10 - 10:43 a.m.

I better get rich and famous...not for any other reason than I need someone to make phone calls for me. I HATE making phone calls. Today I have to (but won't) call the vet, call the animal moving service I am looking at for the transport of my kitties, call banks because if this house isn't going to sell I need to refinance it because my land contract is up soon AND I need some money to pay off the last two years of bills I accumulated while being blindly and irrationally in love with boy. (not irrationally as in it was irrational to be in love with him, irrationally as in I would do ANYTHING, even go into debt (which is something I am not normally programmed to do) in order to see him.) I also need to call my regular doctor because I need some sort of health clearance letter in order to apply for my visa, and I need to call my doctor of female related things because I left my prescription cramp pills in Spain and even if I can get them back (because Eric will be here next week and can bring them to me) I want a different prescription because those are a very high dose of anaprox and anaprox has been in the limelight because it is causing heart problems. Even though I only take three pills of it a month, I don't want to take any chances.

One phone call I will make today is to my friend Tricia. Her daughter had a surgery yesterday that she only had a fifty percent chance of surviving. And she survived. It was a really sad situation. This little girl (she is ten now) has never spoken or walked, she cannot eat on her own which requires a feeding tube...the doctors have never been able to figure out what is wrong with her or why. She has seizures almost all day long and they have been able to determine that the seizures, when she was an infant, were the cause of her brain not developing...but they don't know why she has seizures. Anyway. A couple years ago she had a surgery and Tricia said, "no more," because her daughter was in a lot of pain afterwards and it took a long time to heal and it was just a bad thing. Tricia will do anything to keep her daughters quality of life good. Even let her die before she will put her through something like that again. But, her daughter developed scoliosis. A surgery was suggested and Tricia said no and her doctor then told her that if she didn't have the surgery her daughter would suffer to a great degree because her spine was growing into her lungs. Quickly, her spine had gone from a nine degree curve to a sixty degree curve in the course of three weeks. However, there was only a fifty percent chance she would survive. A zero percent chance of survival without the surgery. So the surgery was done yesterday and she made it. I am very glad. We all know that she isn't going to live very long but I think that when she does pass along it shouldn't be in a hospital, all cut up in pain. She needs to be at home. My friend Tricia is a very, the most, strong person I have ever known. She used to have a very good career and when she had her daughter she was a great working mother. But when her daughter was seven months old they found out, because she never cried or responded to anything, that she was never going to be "right" and Tricia quit her job and dedicated her life to making her daughter as comfortable as possible. She has since had two other children (with another on the way) and has held her family together despite tens of thousands of dollars of hospital bills, usually monthly stays in the hospital when her daughter gets sick, constant care of her daughter and sitting on the edge of her seat every time her daughter gets so much as a cold (because that could be fatal). She has never, not once, said or implied anything about how differently her life has turned out, nor has she expressed any moment of total despair or unhappiness. I have never seen someone love her children and family as much as this woman. I respect her in so many ways. I respect her because she is a perfect mother and at the same time, the wildest, funniest woman I have ever known. I love that she once had a lucrative career and she never hesitated when it came to the quality of life of her daughter and has spent the last ten years being a waitress three days a week. I love that she is the only person that is a die hard republican that can back up her beliefs to me. I once spent a week with her and my friend Kathy in was the only time she ever left her family and I love that she so easily did that. She knew, at that point, that she needed to get away and she didn't hesitate, for the good of her family, to go. I love that she chose a husband that was perfect for her and that she keeps her romance with him alive even through all the things they go through. She is a good woman. And right now especially I am feeling for her. Now she will be at the hospital for the next month. She does not leave except to maybe take a walk. She sits with her daughter until she can go home. And she is five months pregnant. I just can't believe what she does and how well she does it.

My brother will be here this weekend. This makes me very happy.

I just got flowers from Eric. He is wonderful.

I am sick and tired of living in this house. Not for any other reason than I am sick of not having floors. I am sick sick sick of living with this subfloor crap and wish like hell I wasn't here anymore.

At the same time that I don't want to be here at all anymore..I am getting more and more scared about moving. I realize, with all the phone calls I have to and don't want to make today, that it is going to be very difficult for me there. I am reluctant to speak in my own language. I have never been a talker. I don't like talking. In fact it has been my dream since I was about thirteen, to not speak for a long time. When I was a teenager I remember reading about some guy that took a year off speaking and I thought, "that is what I want to do." So if it's that hard for me to speak here, in my own language, it is going to be a million times worse for me to speak there, in a language I don't know.

Off now.


Get your own
 diary at! contact me older entries

previous - next

Get your own
 diary at! contact me older entries

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at!