2005-02-05 - 5:33 p.m.

Number one...I locked myself out of my house today. I was REALLY pissed off about it because this morning when I went to start my car with my spare car key because I couldn't immediately find my daily use glop of keys I said to myself, "MUST NOT FORGET THAT I USED SPARE KEY TO START CAR," and when I was finally leaving the house for good and locking the door behind me I felt all proud of myself for having located and remembered the daily use glop of keys and had put them in my bag. However, I must have just imagined that I had located and remembered said keys because when I finally got back into my house (thank you mother for not returning my spare house key when I got home from Spain)those very keys were sitting exactly where I had left them last night.

Number two...I am not a person that ever buys an impulse item of food. Ever. I will not grab a candly bar in the check out lane or order bread sticks with a pizza when prompted. HOWEVER...there are a few things that I have absolutely no resistence of those things being asiago cheese. So when I was in the line at Barnes and Noble waiting for my caramel mocha and paying for my books and I smelled that delicious aroma of asiago my mouth started watering and I quickly found from where the aroma was coming...a grilled asiago pretzel. And I got one. I am regretting this now. My belly is full of refined white flour now and I feel a little sick. And there wasn't even enough asiago on the pretzel that I could taste it. Totally not worth it.

Number three...I must quickly quit my job. For some reason (and there are many theories ranging from, "Pete must be losing his touch," "Too many new cooks," "we are busier than we used to be," "toast guy is smoking too much pot," "no team work going on back there," and blah blah blah)our kitchen has become extremely slow. Sometimes a ticket is taking forty five minutes to get cooked. And this is happening even at times when we are not very busy. And where it used to happen only on Sunday between about 11 and is now happening not only ALL day Sunday but also ALL day Saturday. I cannot handle it. I take a lot of pride in the fact that I am a REALLY good waitress. I will not act modest about it, I KNOW I am a GREAT waitress. I may get an attitude at times, but I will rarely, if ever, fail at getting you everything you ordered, getting it right and never letting anything get to a level where you have to ask for more. I even notice if someone in my section drops a fork mid meal and will be there before they even notice themselves with a new fork. But I cannot be a great waitress when my entire section is waiting very impatiently for food. Because the second an order comes up that is my priority no matter what. When things are smooth I might let the order sit for a brief second while I refill a pop or greet a table. And with food taking so long there is absolutely no room for error. If I happen to drop a piece of toast while I am setting up the plate I don't have time to wait for another piece of toast and have to bring the order out incomplete because the people have already been waiting forever. No one wants to hear about this...but I need to vent. I will stop now. All I know is that I really wanted to just enjoy my last weeks there and it is impossible to do so because I am totally stressed out.

Number four...I have been getting in and out of the bathtub for the last two hours. I bought a new cookbook today and as usual whenever I get a new cookbook I will read it from cover to cover immediately. I don't know why I have to do this. Today I decided I should read it in the bathtub because I felt cold and grimey. But then I would get bored in the bath and get up to make tea, or look something up on line, or make my bed, or start some laundry and then I get back in the bath. The water needs to be changed now. That is really gross. This is one of the reasons I am making an entry right now. Because I have no more hot water and need to wait for it to get hot again so I can remake the bath.

Number smells like lighter fluid outside right now and it is freaking me out.

Number six...I am typing REALLY fast today. I don't know why somedays I type super fast and somedays I type super slow with lots of errors. This does not make any sense. But I have seen a direct correlation between my typing speed and my efficiency level at work. On mornings when I type really fast I am a super efficient waitress. It must have something to do with brain function.

Number seven...I've been reading interesting things about pepper. For a while now I have been completely addicted to anything spicy. In fact, for a while I couldn't even eat something unless it was basically on fire with spice. For a moment I was really kind of paranoid because I remember reading once upon a time that pregnant women will crave spicy food because spice (pepper) helps kill bad bacteria in food that might harm a fetus...ANYWAY...I think I have stumbled upon the real reason. My addictive personality, again, is to blame. You see, because a chile pepper is hot your brain send out a signal of danger and in response to perceived danger and pain the body then produces its own natural painkiller, endorphins. Which is the same effect as say, morphine. And I think because I have been so down, depressed, uncomfortable lately, my body really needs that. And hence...I am addicted to chile peppers.

What fucking number am I on???....yesterday for lunch I had a grilled cheese sandwich and hashbrowns because I thought that eating crappy would force me to work out. It did not. WHY must I do this to myself every time I come back from a trip??? I KNOW it takes me at least four days to get back to a space where I can at least pretend to function. WHY can't I just let myself have four days? Why must I feel guilty about it???

Number something....Yesterday I filled out this little thing ThunderDave sent me...just a little questionaire...and one of the questions was, "what is your favorite food?" The first thing I thought was butter. And since that didn't seem like a reasonable answer I kept searching my mind for a better one until I realized that all my answers were things like bread with melted butter, corn with lots of butter, spaghetti with tomato sauce and lots of get the idea. Butter. Butter is my favorite food. I even put it on pizza.

I let my cats outside today because it was warm and they needed some sunlight. They all wanted back in within fifteen minutes except Bear. He was gone for two hours and I couldn't figure out why because he always comes when I call for him. I was getting worried. So I just went out to find him and I found him stranded in a patch of not snow covered ground. He was meowing but would not move because he didn't want to touch the snow. Poor kitty. He must have been there for a really long time.

I am going back to the bath now.


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