2005-01-16 - 5:44 a.m.

Last night I had this terrible dream that my father and I went to a funeral together and then he was driving me home and he was spouting off a bunch of his Buddist crud (which he is known to do on occasion in real life) and he drove to this cliff, the highway just ended and he was sure about himself driving to the edge of it. Happy about it. Then he was saying something about the edge of things, how he had gotten to the edge of things and he knew he could go a little off the edge and still get back to safety and so he drove his truck a little off the edge of the cliff, so we were kind of hanging there and I started screaming at him and I opened my door to get out before the truck fell and then I fell and I was grabbing onto the edge of the cliff, it was grassy and I had to dig into the dirt to hold on and he walked around the truck to where I was and said, "see, I told you I could get out," and I kept yelling for him to help me and he was acting all casual and carefree and proud of himself. At this point I woke myself up because I was so pissed off and scared. And then I fell back asleep and went right back to the dream and there was this park ranger there and he was going to help me and I told them to just push the truck off so I had more room, that I could easily get up if I had more room and they laughed at me and told me to be patient. So I woke myself up again and didn't go back to sleep for a while because I was just angry. And now I am still angry.

Leaving on Tuesday for Spain. I am kind of excited and yet really nervous. It is only for two weeks. But it occured to me the other day that this will not be like spending two weeks in France. Neither Eric or myself speaks a word of Spanish. So it isn't going to be like I am in France where if I failed to find the words to buy bread I could just wait until Eric got home and he would go with me. I'm going to be completely on my own. And we don't have internet or phone hooked up yet in our house so I won't have those two things to fall back on if I get freaked out. When I was in France one of the first times and I got totally freaked out about not being able to talk or communicate, it was nice to pick up the phone and call my friends and family. Nice to get on line and read the news in english. But it is only for two weeks and that is good. I feel good about this trip. Like it is totally the right thing to do to make my permanent move easier. It will be nice to nest prior to moving. To have things just so. To not have to think about that part when I am trying to get there for good.

Eric thinks I will never move there. And I can understand him thinking that. I am NOT AT ALL being productive or proactive about this move. I took my for sale sign down for reasons unknown to even myself. I know myself pretty well and I know that at a certain point things will start clicking and at that point I will move forth, nothing will stop me from moving forth. But I don't have a lot of time left for things to start clicking. They need to start clicking now.

I have a lot to do before I go. Maybe I should start getting those things done. I need to visit my best friend in Iowa. I need to spend some time with my brother in Chicago. I need to get my youngest brother a passport. I need to buy a years worth of shampoo. I need to buy jeans. I need to get my prescription filled for a year. I need to figure out how I am going to pay off my bills if this house doesn't sell in time and I still have to make payments while not working. I need to get my stuff into the storage space the company is providing just goes on and on. I also need to preorder the new John Iriving book that comes out in July and figure out how to get it delivered to Spain. That is very important.

I remember the last time he had a new book come out. I bought it the day it was released, that morning, as soon as Barnes and Noble opened. I came home and got in the bath and read for about an hour. Then I made lunch and ate on my couch while reading then I went out and sat in the sun and read some more and then it was five o'clock and I got a beer and sat outside, sun kissed, relaxed and it was silent outside except for birds and an occasional car or train passing. And I read until I finished the book sometime around eight. It was one of the best days of my life. Now, when I get the newest Irving book I will be in Spain. And I can sit outside by my pool. I can sit in a chair under the jasmine. It will be wonderful.

Must go to work now.


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