DELVING BETWEEN THE TOES OF LIFE....I AM TOEJAM


2004-12-14 - 5:35 a.m.

Itís quite obvious to me now that I have been in complete denial about this move to Spain. I realize now that I STILL didnít think it was going to happen. I havenít believed it since June when it was proposed. I think I was just going along for the ride somehow believing inside me that at some point someone was going to pull the plug. I realize this because today the movers arrived at Ericís apartment to move his stuff to Spain. And if I had really been thinking about this all, if I had really believed it you can bet I would have been there right now, saying goodbye to that wonderful apartment where our romance bloomed. To the view, to the park, to the restaurants, to my grocery store. And you can really bet that if I had been thinking about it I would have been there to stay the first night in our house in Spain. I mean, THAT would be really important to me. It IS really important to me but I obviously wasnít thinking AT ALL. So, it is happening. It is really happening. Tonight Eric has to stay in a hotel in France because his stuff wonít get to Spain until tomorrow and so he flies out tomorrow to meet it. Itís all very strange. I just canít believe it. I have a HOUSE in SPAIN waiting for me and I SHOULD BE THERE BUT I AM SUCH A MENTAL CASE ABOUT THIS THAT I JUST COULDNíT LET IT BE REAL AND NOW I HAVE TOTALLY FUCKED UP. Poor Eric has to stay in my hermit house, by himself, for the first couple months. He is going to be miserable. But maybe it will be good for him. Heís been pushing it lately with the activity. Heís really sick right now and I suspect his body had just had enough of the activity outside work and inside work. He needs a couple months in a quiet house where there is nothing to do but be alone inside a quiet house.

AnywayÖthe other day my car was acting all weird again. It did this same thing last winter where all the gauges will drop to zero and it is obvious that the battery isnít keeping things charged because all the lights will dim and the heater will only blow a little bit. And then it will all click back on and everything will be fine. Then I got home and my drier wasnít working again. So I tried to fix it again and it didnít work so I just went to bed. Yesterday my car worked fine (and itís a good thing because my five am drive to work was TREACHOROUS with all the blowing snow that they hadnít quite plowed yet) and for some reason I knew that when I got home my drier would be working too. And it was. And I find that very strange and scary because I seem to get afflicted with bouts of electrical malfunction and then everything will just be fine for a while. Just like my mother. Sometimes she is blowing everything up, sometimes everything is just fine.

I canít wait to get to Europe. I have been totally spoiled now. I can make the best cookie in the world over there, there is something about the butter and the flour and probably the eggs tooÖI mean, there is a SERIOUS difference in European cookies and American cookies. Same recipe, same everything and any cookie I make there is delicious beyond belief. Here my cookies suck. And I am getting tired of this because for the past two months I have been craving these chocolate chip cookies I made the last time I was there. And I canít get them right here. I even bought European style butter yesterday to make the cookies, and free range eggsÖitís the flour. It has to be the flour. It feels really different too, the flour there. Itís thicker I think, not as powder like.

Iíve had two cold sores in the past week. And it is because people have been talking about them lately and every time someone talks about a cold sore I get one. Seriously. My friend Kathy was talking about hers last week and I panicked. And sure enough, I got one. I hate cold sores. I REALLY hate them. They make me want to just bury myself somewhere for a couple weeks.

That little Fish cat of mine has been sleeping on my face lately. The past two nights I have woken up all hot and not able to breathe and will find her draped across my face. What is that folk lore thing that says something about cats suffocating people? Donít I remember something about that? I think this little cat is trying to kill me. Itís so funny too, how she is sleeping. Her mid section is across my nose and her head hangs off one side of my face and her back end off the other and she is all stretched out. Sheís so strange. She is a weird little cat. I REALLY need to find someone to take her for a few months until I can get her to Spain. Eric is REALLY against my bringing her to Spain but I have become very attached to her and canít imagine living without her. But she canít come when I move because one, Spain only allows you five pets and two, her shots arenít yet old enough to allow her to travel internationally. So, I have to wait. So I am looking for someone really cool and wonderful and loving to take her for a couple months and then bring her to Spain for me. So far I have only found one person that is interested in doing that and I am not even sure she is really serious about it. She says she is, but I donít really know if she is.

Must go to work now.

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