2004-09-14 - 10:38 a.m.
Lots of emotional upheavel lately.
Realized, at my best friend's wedding, that I was terribly jealous of her other friends and that I was very possessive of her.
Realized the other day that I am VERY angry at my ex boyfriend still. Realized that the whole thing still plagues me, not because I ever once wanted him back or miss him or anything like that, but I still have a lot of things to say and deal with concerning that whole thing. Because I need to just let go of that feeling that I destroyed his life. I once said after I broke up with him that I would almost rather stay with him and be unhappily comfortable for the rest of my life than to see him miserable. Apparently I still haven't let go of that responsibility thing. The other day this girl I used to know called and asked, "have you talked to Jon lately," and I said, "not in two and a half years," and she started crying and carrying on and what I heard her say was that Jon had gotten killed that morning in a car accident. I threw the phone and collapsed. Through my sobbing, crying, shaking I began to get so angry at him because he had stopped living a long time ago, because he was so unhappy all the time. I felt somehow responsible for ruining what little life he had. Which is horseshit. But I felt it anyway. So this girl calls back a little while later and tells me I should call Jon and I got all confused and it turns out that it was HIS MOTHER who got killed that morning. So I went through the pain of his death and he was alive. That was fucked up. I have a lot to say about this, but no time right now.
Later, when I am in France next week, I am going to just put this all on paper (or screen, whatever) and get rid of it. I want it gone. Fucker. The dumbest thing I ever did in my life was stay with him for so long. I should have left him within the first six months, that first time I wanted to, when I knew it wasn't right, before I grew to love him, but still couldn't be with him. I ruined his life and I fucked up my own by staying with him. Thank goodness it turned out right for me. I just hope his turned out right too. I hope he found someone to love, as I did, and realized that the love he and I had was not romantic love, was not the kind of love that you spend the rest of your life with in the same house. I just really hope he understands that like I do.
Ripping out carpet today.
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