2004-06-25 - 7:48 p.m.

I am really hoping that right now I am just having an extreme case of PMS and that I am not as stressed out as I think I am because I am really, really on edge.

Note to someone who I didn’t get to finish a conversation with this morning due to the fact that I lost my keys and was searching frantically for them while trying to carry on an instant message conversation. You cannot become just like someone just because of biology. You might indeed become that vacant, delirious, non hearing senile sort…because of biology, but just because you are biologically related to someone does not mean that you will make the same hurtful mistakes that those people made or make. In fact, by knowing these people as your family you are at an advantage to change the course of things…you know that their behavior is not good, not functional and really kind of despicable…so just don’t become that way. Change it.

Went to Ann Arbor today to pick up my engagement ring. Every time I go there I get mad at myself for not spending more time there. I could have easily spent the whole day there wandering around. That town really has a good feel to it. I remember back when I was eighteen and traveling through there semi regularly on various trips to Detroit and Toledo…I always wanted to move there. Maybe some part of me sensed that the man that I would one day marry was there. Anyway, it was a nice drive, three hour round trip and I didn’t even notice that I don’t have music. There used to be a time when I wouldn’t have been able to drive twenty minutes without music, now I don’t even miss it.

It would be really nice if when I call the Radisson on Monday they tell me that they can accommodate a group of 50 for a dinner and that it won’t cost a ton of money. Then I can married at Crane Park (where I spent a lot of time as a child and where my mother spent a lot of time as a child and it is right around the corner from my grandparents house (they are both deceased) so I could start my wedding procession from their house)and have a quiet, small reception. I could plan that very wedding easily if there were only twenty people or so that were invited. But we run into this problem…Eric has a HUGE family. I really want his aunt to play the violin and his cousin is married to Eric’s best friend and his uncle was the one that introduced us so those three would have to be invited…but then if you invite them you have to invite the other uncles and aunts and they all have children (and Eric is close to his cousins) that would have to be invited too…So it’s impossible to do that wedding because there are too many people and not even considering the cost (though I am) there is no way I can find a place for fifty people on thirty days notice on a Saturday. And I have to get married on July 31st because that is the blue moon and it has always been a really romantic thought of mine, to get married on the blue moon…So, our other thought was to just take our newly ordained reverend, a best man and a maid of honor (and their spouses) up north and get married there. But that idea, while it sounded cool at first, getting married at Sleeping Bear on a dune with no one around, just seems rather lacking now to me. Especially since I have spent the better part of my spare time desperately trying to find someplace to stay up there and a place to eat with no luck (again, most places are already booked.) So maybe I am just going to say fuck it all and just go to the justice of the peace during the week and be done with it. I’m already sick of it. Maybe I can just find a judge to perform the wedding on a Saturday in the park and not invite ANYONE but the necessary two witnesses, we can invite Uncle Joe (who introduced us) and my mother. Then Eric and I can just go up north and eat at Tapawingo. That would be good.

And I really need to start getting ready to get out of here. I just realized today that if this Spain thing really does go through I have a little less than three months to get this done. That isn’t a lot of time when you consider the sheer amount of things I need to do starting with finding money to do it.

Been eating something I call food processor salad. I throw carrots, celery, cucumbers, tomatoes, black olives and romaine lettuce into the food processor and then I pulse it until everything is in tiny pieces. It doesn’t turn to liquid if you just pulse it, it is just a really finely chopped salad, then I put some olive oil and vinegar on it and it is DELICIOUS. And…it is a really lazy salad because you don’t have to chop everything, just a little to fit into the processor and it takes less time to chew because the pieces are already pretty fine. It’s great.

My cats got ear mites from the stupid neighbor’s cat…I’ve been treating them for three weeks now and I can’t get rid of the mites in two cats and it is killing me to see them uncomfortable.

That’s enough now.

I just want to be married to my Eric and be living with him, in OUR house where WE sleep. I am tired of missing him, I just want to be with him now. Wedding or no. Now.


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