2004-05-23 - 6:21 a.m.

I love it when I read the daily weather forcast and it YET AGAIN says...severe thunderstorms throughout the day, storms possibly containing tornados. UGH. ENOUGH. ENOUGH. ENOUGH. Since I have returned home there has been hardly any other weather...just storms, storms and more storms. It is really starting to wear at me. I need to go for a walk. I need to be able to walk without worrying that a storm will crop up while I am two miles from home and I will be toted away by a tornado.

The other day it turned black as night at noon. And green, the sky was this sickly green black color. After the green went away there was every single kind of cloud you could have in the sky, all at different heights. It was really weird. And then another black cloud rolled in, it looked like a tidal wave, and sucked up the other clouds as it moved across them. I've had WAY more than enough of this. I like rainey days, in fact, I prefer them...but not in a procession of weeks. I need SOME sun every once in a while. Yesterday I was forced to go to the tanning bed because if I didn't get some light I was going to totally break down in a lump of tears.

Eric will be here in less than a week. Of course, I managed to create chaos in my house again, as I do every single time before he arrives, so I will be busy for the next few days trying to put things back together.

Painted my fingernails four minutes ago and I have to keep writing because they are not dry yet and if I don't keep myself occupied I will give up letting them dry and will fuck them up and then take off the polish. So I must keep typing.

Realized the other day that I am terrified of moving. Didn't have any idea I felt that way until I got nervous about moving my dining room table. I was certain that because I was making changes, because I was actively trying to make what I have work, that I would get a call from Eric saying that we were going, and going now. And it scared the shit out of me. But I moved it anyway...because I want to be with him, even if I have to move.

Speaking of...I've come to the decision that until we know what is going on with his job (as in, WHERE HE IS GOING NEXT AND WHEN HE IS GOING, GOD, WHY CAN'T THEY TELL US???)I am staying put. Staying here. And instead of being in a state of temporary, as I have been in for the last eight years of my life, more so in the last year, I am going to live each day as an individual day. I am not going to think in terms of temporary any longer because it is making me miserable. I am not going to go out and buy all new stuff (which is what I would do if I were indeed going to be here for long time) but I am going to make what I have work and work in the optimal way. Feels good to have made that decision.


My cat Smitten still has a gaping hole on his neck. He keeps scratching it so it won't heal and the vet couldn't keep one of those lampshade things on him for more than a minute so he just has to heal slowly. I am getting impatient. I feel as though I am ruining his life having to pin him down twice a day for medication and so I can wash and dress his wound. My cat Bear has really messed up fur. It mats over night. Last week he lost the mats from one whole side of his body. He looks like an idiot.

Fuck it, I am just going to remove my nailpolish.


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