2004-05-09 - 6:06 a.m.

OVerwhelmed is not a good state for me. Not that is a good state for anyone, but each of us has our states that we just can't deal with that other people can handle just fine. Overwhelmed is my precarious state. It is the state of being in which I have to watch myself carefully to avoid total shutdown. I am really good at total shutdown. A few years ago I realized that I am so good at it, that there is such a fine line between mental sanity and function and total shutdown where I could easily end up in some institution staring at walls and not remembering anything of the life I live outside those walls.

I am in overwhelm right now.

I do not have the ability to do things in a way that makes them easy.

My friend Kevin once told me that I am the most black and white person he has ever known.

It's all...or it's nothing.

So last night after dinner with my family I took my shoes off and in a moment of complete motivation decided to clear my house out. To get rid of the things I never use. As STEP ONE of preparing for mobility. STEP ONE. I MUST HAVE A STEP ONE. The first thing my eyes rested on were the piles and piles of magazines from the last five or so years that I had been saving. It is easy for me to throw away my bathtub magazines, the Cosmo, Glamour...what is not so easy for me is to throw away (recycle, MUST RECYLCE) the Discover and Popular Science. Because the things I read in those magazines are relevent and important and it would be cool to have them around for reference, research. But I have never, not once, gone through those magazines and looked at them again. So they must go. Last night I gathered them up and took them to my recycle box outside.

And for the rest of the night I kept waking up thinking I should go get them back out.

I am so pathetic.

And so not doing well in overwhelm.


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