2004-05-05 - 6:04 p.m.
I am sitting here. Lonely. I am lonely. I don't often get lonely. In fact, I can probably count how many times I have been lonely IN MY WHOLE LIFE on two hands. I am, by nature, a solitary being. It isn't that I am not a person that doesn't easily make friends, it isn't as though I am not invited all over, all the time. I just normally prefer to be alone.
But sometimes I get used to people. For two weeks before I went to be in my other life my brother was here. So for the last two months of my life I have been with people, all the time.
Today is the first day in all those days that I will not be around people.
And that is weird to me.
Oddly enough...the first thing that came to my mind while I was thinking about this was that it would be nice to have someone here with me to help me not be so sad about not being with Eric (I am going to call him by his name from now on because I am tired of calling him Boy, he is much more than Boy now)...my first though was not that it would be nice if Eric was here...because I am USED to this now, I am USED to being intermittently without him. I HATE that. This is so stupid. It is SOOOOOOOOOO STUPID to EVER be without him.
What would be really nice right now...other than the OBVIOUS really nice which would be living somewhere else WITH ERIC AND MY CATS and sitting outside right now with a kir and some fruit...would be if my brother were here. I need to talk to my brother. Not the kind if talk you can do on the phone, but the kind of talk you can do when you have a Newcastle in your hand and you are sitting on a back porch while the sun is setting. I think my brother should come back.
In other thinking...I was wishing I had a friend right now. I mean, I DO have friends. I have my friend Kathy, who, if I hang out with anyone, is the person I hang out with. And I have my friend Jill, who will always be my friend (inseparable from 5th grade until we were 21) even though we don't ever speak anymore (but we can still call one another in moments of sheer need). And of course there is Nicole who is my perfect friend for life....but lives 500 miles away from me. I wish I had a friend like the kind of friend I had when Rich lived two doors down from me. On nights like this when I just wanted company we would go hang out in the stupid, small town, very hick bar in my village. Or we would get a pizza and a movie. Whatever. A friend that I didn't have to make plans with. Someone that was just there. That's what I need.
I have jet lag.
I still feel like I am on an airplane.
I miss Eric.
I DO NOT want to go back to that job tomorrow morning.
I want it to be the future. I have never wanted the future so badly and I hate myself for not being able to live in the moment. I hate that instead of saying...hey, I only work 7 months of the year and the rest of the time I spend in Paris or in some other cool and exciting place...I say...I don't even have enough money to buy razor blades. I am beginning to get disgusted with myself. Just one day ago I was in an apartment that I can call home looking at the Eiffel Tower drinking a Chateau Palmer Margaux and eating French cheese...but all I can think about is how I am sitting here NOW, wondering if I have enough money left to get gas in the morning. If I am going to skrimp and save so much to be able to go there, to do the things I love to do, than it should be a celebration that right now I don't know when I can next buy razor blades. That should be a good thing because that means I am saving for something really wonderful. I am saving my money so I can go to France to be with my boyfriend and look at the Eiffel Tower and drink French wine and play imported Trivial Pursuit.
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