DELVING BETWEEN THE TOES OF LIFE....I AM TOEJAM


2004-02-05 - 5:10 a.m.

Yesterday when I got home from work I had many plans. A walk, make something to eat, some other exercise, make some appointments, find someone to get my old silver Honda out of here because the insurance I am paying on that is ridiculousÖbut I sat down at my table to check my e-mail and make a list of things I needed to do and I just couldnít do it. I didnít want to do any of it. So I decided I would just go to bed and wake up at like ten and stay awake all night. So I went to bed at four. I woke once at eight, totally not tired any more but not willing to get out of bed that early so I thought that I would just lie in bed for another hour. And then I woke up at THREE THIRTY. Which means I slept for almost twelve hours and I didnít get anything done that I wanted to get done. I wanted to have stuff done for my day off work. Now I have the day off, nothing done, Iím starving because the last thing I ate was about twenty hours ago, but I still donít feel like making anything to eat and I have to spend the rest of my day getting the stuff done that I wanted to get done yesterday. I have a lot to do. Which is probably why I slept so long and why I had the dreams I had. I apparently had a lot to process last night during sleep because I dreamed, for twelve hours, about things that were constantly busy. I had two dreams. The first was a dream about work. I was just about to get off work and a group of people walked in. My manager decided to seat them because it wasnít quite closing time and there were still a couple other tables finishing up. So then, when the group was almost finished another group walked in and my manager sat them because the other group wasnít finished yet and since I was still thereÖ.so this continues, he keeps giving me another table because I am there anyway waiting on the last table. So then it is midnight in my dream, I was supposed to have gone home at two in the afternoon and he seats me another table and in my dream I start this pathetic growling in my gut, this desperate growling which turns into a very frustrated, stressed to the max, from the heart and soul scream. I keep screaming, a very primitive scream. I wonder if I screamed out loud in my sleep? I needed that scream, I have needed it in my waking hours, so I am glad I got it out in my sleeping hours. So that dream ends and then I dream that my family and I are on some trip together. We are at a hotel and leaving it because it is such a dump and they are trying to lure us into staying so they are giving us gifts. My gift was a bag of things for the bath but all the bottles are only partially full. So we start packing everything up to get out of there. My family has packed and is waiting for me in the car but I canít get packed because every time I think I am packed I find a pile of things I havenít gotten yet. So then I think I am packed but have to go to the bathroom and I see a pile of my jewelry that I forgot so I pack that up and then all my cats run into the room and I remember that I have to get them all packed up too but I donít have enough cat carriers for all of them so I am trying to figure out how to get them all in the car and then my suitcase comes unlatched and all my stuff spills out. It was terrible. Funny thing is that I have had a packing dream before, where I couldnít get everything packed. What does that mean?

Anyway. So I am tired now this morning because I was busy dreaming all night. I hate that. It is almost worse than having a scary night mare and waking up feeling haunted.

Today I get to pick up my new glasses. I am totally excited. I got the best deal ever. Two pairs of glasses, complete, an examination and I upgraded the lenses on one pair, for a total of $160. My last pair, one pair, cost me $350.

I also have to get new shoes for work today. Mine have holes in the bottom and my feet are always wet and they have no support in them so my knees have been aching, along with my feet, for weeks.

And I have to clean out all my drawers and cupboards so I can find my gym card so I can get my membership at the new gym. If I canít find this card I have to pay $250. If I can find this card I only have to pay $65. I must find this card.

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