DELVING BETWEEN THE TOES OF LIFE....I AM TOEJAM


2004-01-11 - 6:41 a.m.

Yesterday when I went to visit Lucinda at the vet she wasnít doing well at all. She wasnít even getting anything from the IVís because they couldnít get a vein large enough for the needle and it kept coming out. So I went to bed certain that when I called today it would be bad news. But it wasnít. Overnight her blood levels have returned to normal and her temperature has risen above the two degrees below normal it was the other day. She will likely be sent home on Monday.

Which is the good news.

AndÖhow I need things to go the way they should. For once. Itís been a long year and a half.

However.

Last night while I was sleeping someone decided to get into my car and steal my stereo. Why anyone would want to steal a seven year old CD player from a 1990 Honda, I donít know. But they did. And I feel violated and a little scared. Iíve always felt safe here. Itís a small town, very small town. This kind of thing isnít supposed to happen and now just walking outside after dark is making me kind of nervous. Fuckers. The police assure me it is just kids (though I am uncertain why people keep saying that, ďOh, itís just kids,Ē as though that is okay) because apparently this has been happening a lot lately and we have a ďbad groupĒ of teenagers running about. But I am still nervous. A guy I hung out with in high school that also stole car stereos ended up killing his girlfriend and her entire family with a shotgun a year after we graduated. He was just a kid too.

That is the bad news.

It is so time for Boy to come home for good. The whole time he was here nothing catastrophic happened and the day after he leaves my cat is hospitalized, my car gets broken into and I am right back into that sheer, desperate funk I was in before his arrival. Granted, my cat had stopped eating and was falling off things a little more than usual WHILE Boy was here and I probably should have taken her in before I did. But, her behavior wasnít THAT out of the ordinary and I was just chalking it up to the fact that she was aging. Being that she is between 22 and 25 years of age already, those things have become pretty typical for her. It wasnít until she hadnít eaten for three days that I took her in. So in reality, she could have been hospitalized while the Boy was here, thus discrediting my theory that bad things happen when Boy is not here. And, I was asking for something to be stolen from my car. I havenít locked that thing in years. So that could have happened at any time also. I guess this kind of goes along with my belief in karma. I am not a religious person, meaning, I donít believe in a god per se. I canít remember what they call people who believe that ďgodĒ is within their own selves, but that is what I am. I believe, very rigidly, in karma. Not because I think some god will make you pay for your misdeeds. But I believe that your own subconscious mind will make you pay. That is why people that do bad things and are all around evil donít ever pay a price. Because they donít care. People like me, who do care, will pay a price for anything bad they have done. Does that make sense? Anyway. I think that perhaps my mind is also creating this chaos, havoc, edge of sanity crap life that I lead when Boy is not here. Because nothing will be right until he and I have set off on our life together. I have somehow created that belief in my head and so I suspect that until that time, when we are together, things will be like this. Just one thing on top of the other. The good news about that is that nothing can really get worse and that I am building quite a spine from all this. I am learning to deal with stress in a way I have never had to do. I am learning that sleep is not the answer to it (okay, so it is a short term fix, but if you really want to get out of it you must remain busy and productive). I am learning that instead of my usual, ďdonít eat anything unless you HAVE toĒ way of dealing with stress is also counter productive because not eating makes you more strung out. And I am learning that the best way to get things done is not all at once. It is a process, an arduous, detailed and annoying process. And, as evidenced from this stupid entry, you must find the good in all situations.

But it is so time for him to come home for good. Whether or not I am creating this in my head. I really canít stand this any longer and with or without all the stuff that happens to me lately, the edge of my seat crap from waiting for him to visit here or waiting for me to fly in one of those stupid airplanes there, is getting too much for me. I want to sit back again. I want to sit in a stupor for a while, not think about anything. And I can only do that if he is with me.

Have to go to work now.

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