2003-12-28 - 6:54 a.m.

This morning I got up four hours earlier than I had to and made homemade pasta for no reason whatsoever.

There is something really very awesome and therapeutic about getting up at 3 am and making pasta by hand.

It is like having some wonderful secret that no one else can ever know.

I am reminded now how much I love the wee hours of the morning.

There was this time when I was in highschool when I was terribly scared of werewolves. It was a lurking feeling I had, of being pursued by something. Now that I am older and more rational I know that the feeling did not come from actually being stalked by a werewolf, but in my mind the only thing I could attribute that hunted, scared feeling to was something evil and fantasy laden. When in fact I was just growing into myself, going through teenage angst. Anyway, my love for the wee hours came about then. I didn't sleep much at night then, one eye was always peering out this little six inch by six inch window in my wall waiting for the werewolf to finally make an appearence. One night I gave up trying to sleep and I spent the whole night cleaning my room, organizing everything in sight. I am not an organized person. Nor am I one to focus on one task. But that night I did and when the sun started to rise I went upstairs and made oatmeal. Oatmeal was not something we ever ate, unless my mother put it in something like cookies or bread. That was my first time eating oatmeal as a cereal. It started to rain, really hard outside and I went out and stood under the stream of water from the eave, I got totally soaked and it was cold. And just as suddenly as the rain started, the sun came out. The clouds parted. It was very meaningful to me. I had survived a night. I had gone through rain and clouds and emerged into the sunlight. So that night was special. Because I learned that the only time I ever have the focus to do things that keep me sane, like organizing life or things, is in the wee hours. It is the only time I feel totally alone and safe. Totally independent and whole.

So this morning, I remembered.


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