2003-12-03 - 3:51 p.m.

I had a huge birthday extravaganza planned for myself. It was to be two and a half days of nothing but symbolic endeavors that would exemplify exactly what I wanted for life in my thirties. On Monday night I cleaned and cleaned so my house would be in perfect order. So that I could carry on with all my plans without deciding that, “hmmm…that shelf needs to be dusted,” because I am fully aware of avoidance techniques. If I am supposed to be doing something important I will find some stupid cleaning or cooking project that will keep me from doing what I had planned to be doing. So I didn’t go buy food, so I knew I wouldn’t be able to find anything exciting to cook. And I cleaned so I wouldn’t be able to find some nook or cranny to clean. My big plan was this. Tuesday after work I was to go to the gym and do a major workout. Then I was scheduled for a facial and then a massage and then I was going to come home, take a long, hot bath and go to sleep until I woke up. And today, my actual birthday, was supposed to be dedicated to writing. I had planned to write for 24 hours straight. And then Thursday, which I also took off, was supposed to be used for recovering from 24 hours straight of writing.

This is what I want for my life while I am in my thirties. I want to be relaxed, radiant, healthy and fucking ass productive. I want to write. I want writing to be something that is the main focus in my life. GOD DAMN IT.

This is what I did instead of the birthday extravaganza I had planned.

Yesterday I did everything exactly the way I wanted to. I went to work, went to the gym, had my facial and my massage and took an excellent bath for one hour while reading a silly little fairy tale by Clive Barker. Then I went to bed and slept for twelve hours. When I woke up it was my birthday and I made a pot of coffee and took a shower. Then I turned the computer on to get ready to write. But first I checked my e-mail, then I decided that I needed to read the news and then I decided I should probably check out prices to fly to New Mexico to visit my brother. Why did I decide to do this when I had no previous thoughts or plans to visit there? I don’t know. I just decided to start checking prices. Then I read some diaryland. Then I got mad at myself and signed off line. But before beginning the writing project I decided I should play spider solitaire just to chill out and get my mind warmed up. I played for one hour and while I was playing I was thinking about how nice it would be to decorate for Christmas this year. I decided that tomorrow I would go out and buy Christmas decorations. And while I was thinking about going out tomorrow I decided that when I go out tomorrow I would also go to Fourth Coast and get a caramel mocha. Then all I could think about was the caramel mocha and I knew that I would never get anything done today if I didn’t have a caramel mocha so I threw some clothes on and went out. Intention being…get caramel mocha and come home to write. Actual happening…get caramel mocha and then stop at store to buy Christmas decorations. For another hour. By the time I got home it was already 1:30. And then I decided that I should at least get some of the decorations up, check things out to make sure I don’t need to go back into town tomorrow for anything like hooks or tacks or anything. I’ve been hanging decorations now for the last two hours and I have not yet written anything except an e-mail and this entry. I am very annoyed with myself and don’t think I should be allowed to do anything else for the rest of my life because I have totally let myself down this time. And I blame that not on me, but on caramel mocha. So, I am not allowed to have caramel mochas for a year. I cannot have another caramel mocha until my birthday NEXT YEAR because I am a loser. I am a big, fat loser. I am really pissed off at myself.

And, I decided to chew gum today, because it’s my birthday, and now I have a raging headache and my jaw is all sore and stiff. I really don’t think I could be more of an idiot. Really.


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