2003-12-01 - 4:51 p.m.

There are three questions I get asked all the time. One is, “why aren’t you married yet?” Two is, “Are you going to have kids?” And three is, “What else do you do besides work here?” My answers are always the same. For the first two questions I merely cross my two index fingers into a makeshift crucifix and act as though they are throwing something evil in my face and I wrinkle my nose in disgust. To the third question I routinely say, “Nothing.” None of these answers is honest, but…I do not feel as though I should have to answer them, for one, and for two, if people knew me well enough to ask me such personal questions they would not have to ask them because they would already know my honest feelings about them.

This is how I live my life. I eat as though I am pregnant. Meaning, I will not put anything in my body that I would not eat if I were carrying a child. To me, the single most important time to be responsible is when you are pregnant. If I were to ever have a child I would never sit there and eat plate full after plate full of salty French fries like some women I know. I have this friend that always eats like shit, but when she is pregnant it is whole grain this, organic that. Because she wants her baby to be healthy and I always wonder why she doesn’t have the same respect for HERSELF. I too believe that one should not eat anything that would poison a child growing in the womb because I believe children should be given the absolute best foundation for health possible. And, I deserve to not poison myself and I deserve to give myself the best possible health too. I respect myself and so I do not eat like crap and everytime I put something into my mouth I ask myself, “would I eat this is I had a child growing inside me?” Along the same line, I do not put anything on my skin, toothbrush or hair that I could not eat. (Okay, so I am still trying to wean myself off sudsy soap, but at least I use as natural as I can for my hair and skin CLEANING, for lotions and the such I use only things that I could eat.)

I will not let someone do a favor for me unless I am willing and CAPABLE of doing the same thing for them. I believe that favors, no matter how altruistic someone may be at first about it, are the cause of most fall outs. Because eventually, that person that did that favor for you will expect the same from you. For instance, if I ask someone to pick up a shift for me because I have a fever of 104 and feel like I am dying and they do and even tell me, “I’m glad you need me to work because I needed extra cash,” and then a few months later that same person asks me to work for them because they want to go out drinking and I say no and they say, “But you owe me, I totally covered you a couple months ago.”

I always think about the things I do and how it will affect others. Nothing is simple.

I will not use anything to clean with that I would not dump in my flower garden when my flowers are in bloom. This is my simple way of protecting the environment for future generations.

I don’t trust people as a whole and that is why I do not give money to bell tinklers or people that come to my door. But I will help you if I know you. And this is also why my mission in life is to help any animal I encounter that needs aid. I will feed and shelter 500 cats if that is what is presented to me. Because I cannot help as many humans as I would like, because of my distrust and disappointment in the human race (in general), I will help those creatures who I do trust and who live a life that is pure and honest. Also, because I understand that we humans are the cause of all the stray cats and dogs in this world and because we are the cause of the deer running through our streets. I will be an avid anti-hunter until the day I die. Because all those people that say they have to kill because otherwise the deer will kill people by running into cars are idiots. It is OUR selfish over population that has diminished THEIR natural territory. OUR urban sprawl that has made it so deer run through city streets. (I could go on and on about this but I still have not reached my main thought for this entry…so, some other time.)

I believe that the choices I made in life our mine and that I should bear the responsibility for them. I chose not to go to college and get a degree and a profession because I had, have, dreams that did not include going to college and getting a profession. So I live my life within my means. I do not expect tax payers to pay for my health care, even though my income (on paper) would allow that. I do not expect to have the perks of a professional career such as paid vacations, holiday pay or sick days. I went into my job fully aware that if I did not work I did not get paid. I went into my job knowing that I would not have health insurance.

I have to understand the WHY of everything before I can participate.

And so, that leads me to the honest reasons and answers to the three questions that are asked of me on a daily basis.

I do want to get married. I want to get married really, really badly. BUT, I do not understand, quite, WHY. WHY do I think to myself every time I wake up in his arms, “God, I want to marry this man so much?” I don’t know. There is no concrete answer to that. If you asked me, “do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man?” I would say YES YES YES. I do. I KNOW the reasons I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. Because he pushes me, because he teaches me, because he is totally, perfectly issueless and totally unhindered by whatever emotional baggage he might have. Because he is honest. Because he is dedicated and thoughtful. Because he sent me a box full of green pens when my green pen ran out of ink. But why do I want to MARRY him? Why do I feel that need to sign a piece of paper and wear a stupid frilly dress in front of my family and friends? There is no reason for marriage other than financial so WHY do I always want to MARRY him?

And I have, in the past and even occasionally in the present, wanted to have a child. (SHUT UP MOTHER!!!!) But I cannot and will not and refuse to even cater the thought. BECAUSE…mainly, I have chosen this life for myself and I barely am able to take care of myself and do the things I want to do let alone be able to raise a child the way I would want to and give him/her the things she/he needs and wants. What if something was to happen and the father of my child were not around any longer? I would not be able to give that child a fair life. I am not happy with the whole of MY existence so why should I add another whose existence I cannot fulfill? And also, because I think about what that would do to E.’s life. It would not be good. He has goals, dreams too and a child does not fit in there. And I am happy to follow him through his goals and dreams because they do not conflict with mine so I am not giving anything up. AND…because I REALLY don’t understand WHY I want to, on occasion, have a child. I do know that I would like to raise a decent human being to add to this population of increasing NON decent human beings. I do know that I would like to teach a child the things I have learned. But why can’t I do that by volunteering somewhere, by sharing with others? Why do I feel the need, sometimes, to hold my own flesh and blood in my arms? Why do I feel the desire to sing lullabies, to braid a lock of hair before school? I do not understand that and believe those intermittent feelings to be fully instinctual and society taught. And I will not fall victim to those things. I do not NEED to have a child.

And finally. I do a lot of things other than work at that restaurant. I go to the gym, I take long walks, and I go to the grocery store and buy crazy things and come home and make myself delicious, exotic meals from them. I go to the bookstore. I go to the coffee shop and clap my hands with excitement every time my beautiful caramel mocha is handed across the counter to me. I read more books in a month than most people read in a year. I watch movies just so I can lie on the couch with my cats for a couple hours. I take long, relaxing baths. I work hours in my gardens in the summer and in the winter I love to shovel my sidewalks and drive way and then lie in a snow bank for long, long moments and watch the progression of light as it becomes deeper and deeper blue. I play the lottery once a week and go to sleep that night dreaming about what I would do with all that money. I write, for hours, every day. I make jewelry, I make scarves, and I make belts. I even make my own peanut butter. I water my plants. I let my cats chase me around the house while dragging a piece of string. I talk to my boyfriend on the phone for hours every single night. I play spider solitaire and drink hot chocolate. I write letters to people that I have things to say to and never send them. I make lists of things I want to do. I make lists of things I have to do. I get on my stair climber and listen to French lessons. I brush my hair for long, luxurious minutes. I read the news on Yahoo. I listen to music. I vacuum, a lot. I try to tame the stray cats outside so I can catch them and get them fixed so I can help decrease the number of stray cats. I look things up at the end of the day from the list of things I made during the day of things I did not know or understand. I clean. I do laundry. I play with my hair and try on different combinations of clothes from my closet. I make faces at myself in the mirror. I try to muster energy to call my grandparents and my father. I talk to my cousins on line. I redecorate my house on paper. I paint rooms in my house all the time, I always have painting project going on. I go to the bead store. I take long drives. Basically, I live when I am not at work. I do things that I want to do, I only work and work the minimum amount in order to fund those things that I want to do. I work only to travel, to buy food, to pay for my house. I do not work to breathe and will never work to breathe. What I mean is that I know what those people are asking me. They are not asking to know any of the above things. They are asking what else I do, career wise, because that is what defines life to most. Because they look at me, listen to me and they know I could be more than a waitress, and I am, but not in their definition. To them I am wasting “life” by being a waitress and I will not waste my own precious breath explaining to them that I have never defined myself by my career and never will. I will never waste a moment telling them about the wonderful, comfortable, content and joyful existence I have created for myself. Because they will never appreciate that I am living unless I am going to school to “be something” or am already, “something.” So that is why I choose to say, “nothing,” when asked what else I do.

And that, my friends, sums up today’s thoughts.


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