2003-09-09 - 8:05 p.m.

I am the most impatient person I know. My impatience and the extent of my impatience are also why I am the most serene person I know. I know myself so well, and can’t stand myself so much that I know better than to put myself in any situation that will cause even the remotest amount of impatience. Because when I am impatient (and something as simple as buying new shampoo and not being able to wait to get it home let alone waiting until the next time I shampoo to use it will set me off on a crazy mania) I get insane. I get manic, I get obsessive, I get wild eyed and frantic. This past year I have been with the Boy has found me in that state a lot. Not only do I now have my impending trips to set my impatient wheels turning, but I also have his frequent visits to keep my heart rate moving and my mania intact. I have not liked living with myself lately. That DOES NOT mean I would rather be without the boy, it just means that I need to learn to cope better. I need to learn that when I have something on my mind I need to learn to deal with it better. I need to NOT think constantly about the class I start on Thursday as I have been every second since I signed up for it. I need to NOT freak out when I can’t understand how electricity works or even what it is. I need to NOT obsess about my dirty windows (unless I intend to actually wash them, which I won’t, I will just obsess about them every time I have a spare moment when I am not obsessing about something else) and I need to just CHILL.

Today I learned a simple lesson. Today I met Benny; though I am certain that is not how you spell Benny, that is simply how he pronounced it. Benny is Indian, an India Indian. I met Benny in the produce section at Meijer while I was checking out the mangoes. I had just felt up every single mango in the bin and refused them all when I moved onto the pears and Benny wheeled up to the mangoes. I glanced at him and said, “Don’t bother, they aren’t any good today.” Benny just looked at me for a moment and I looked away. Then he said, “My dear girl, you don’t know mangoes if you think that.” And I perked up. Because I DON’T know mangoes and for the past couple months I have been thinking a lot about mangoes. I love mangoes and yet I have no idea how to really eat one except to completely mangle it and shove it into my mouth with the spoon I employ for digging out mango meat. And I don’t know REALLY which mangoes are good and which are not. I just feel them up, pretend I know what I am doing and hope the mango is good when I get it home. For the past couple months I have been MEANING to learn about mangoes. When I am at work I write on my to-do list…LOOK UP MANGO STUFF. When I am at the gym I think about it again. And then I get home and forget (because who really looks at their to-do list?) So the next day I will get impatient again to look up mango stuff, I obsess about it. And I don’t do it.

But today, Benny gave me a lesson in mangoes. In fact, Benny gave me more than a lesson, Benny gave me every known fact about mangoes he could. Benny is from India, mangoes are from India. He not only taught me the proper and most effective way of eating a mango, but he also gave me recipes and tutored me in finding the good mangoes in the bin. I had passed up at least ten prefect mangoes. After half an hour of talking to Benny about mangoes (and blocking anyone who might have wanted to get mangoes or pears..sorry about that) I took my leave with two perfect mangoes in my basket.

What I learned is that I need not be impatient about every last thing…because what I need to know will come to me if I am open to it. Had I just smiled and walked away today when Benny announced that I knew nothing about mangoes I never would have learned. But I didn’t walk away; I smiled and said, “You know, I really don’t, tell me.” And I learned.

And that was that.

Boy is still here. He extended his trip by a week. I am happy. I had the best weekend I have ever had last weekend. We drove north to Mackinaw, stopped one night in a little town that happened to house a fabulous restaurant and one of 2003 Best New Chefs…so that night we had a decadent night. Spending more on dinner than my house payment, staying in a bed and breakfast and just being so fancy. Then the next day we went to the Beer and Wine Festival in Mackinaw City and got hammered from drinks poured into plastic cups and spent the evening playing on a playground where I fell off a teeter totter. I also took the BIGGEST, BUBBLIEST bath EVER in our hotel rooms Jacuzzi tub. It was possibly the best part of the trip. E. watching football on the bed next to me while I stretched out in a mound of bubbles that seriously climbed above my head. It was wonderful, the whole weekend was wonderful. It gets more and more difficult to let him leave. I really have to work on getting him fired so he can come home to me.

Night night.


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