DELVING BETWEEN THE TOES OF LIFE....I AM TOEJAM


2003-05-15 - 11:41 a.m.

Today I am going to buy a new lawn mower. I have been thinking about this for a long time and the whole thing has made me become quite disgusted with myself on a lot of different levels.

First of all I am pissed that I have to buy a new lawn mower in the first place because three years ago I bought a brand new, state of the art, powerful ass kicking lawn mower and because of my sheer laziness and inability to take care of anything, I ruined it. Last year when it broke I probably could have gotten it fixed for a pretty minimal amount of money, but I just forgot about it sitting out there in the elements and left it outside all winter, uncovered. It is my embarrassment at leaving it outside all winter that is preventing me from even taking it in to get an estimate on repair.

So, because of my lack of responsibility I decided that I am going to buy one of those old fashioned lawn mowers. The ones that donít run on any power source but that of the person pushing it. It is a lot more work, I know, but I donít deserve anything easy any longer because I will just ruin it. Plus, I canít stand the noise of powered lawn mowers. That noise is the bane of my existence. I spend the majority of the summer in my house yelling at people who mow their lawns. For some reason in my neighborhood the lawn mowing goes like this. Some jackass will start up his lawn mower at 7 am and just as he finishes someone else will decide they too need to mow and just as that person finishes someone else decides they need to mow and so it usually happens that all day long I am plagued by the sound of lawn mowers and weed whackers. And we all know how anal people are about their lawns which means that almost every day of the week people are making noise. So it doesnít help the state of my nerves when I too have to go out there and make a racket. I have this really peaceful vision of myself going out at 7 am and peacefully mowing my lawn with my silent mower. Not freaking out the crickets, grasshoppers, butterflies and other wondrous creatures that live in my lawn with some rumbling behemoth thing coming to devour them. It would also be nice to be able to mow early in the morning, before it gets too hot and before the men come driving down my street craning their necks, honking their horns and stopping to see if I need help. And also, it would make me feel good to be doing something for the environment, for not having to use gas, for not filling the air with noxious lawn mower fumes.

But, then I got all weird about the old fashioned lawn mower thing. And this is when I got really disgusted with myself. Should anyone see me out there with my heap of crap, non powered push mower, they will think that I donít have enough money to buy a real lawn mower. People will feel sorry for me or worse, people will think I am weird. Itís the same thing with my weeds. I refuse to use weed killer number one because I have a strange respect for weeds and number two because of the environment and my cats, I donít want my cats frolicking in weed killer. So every single year I get crab grass and other weeds in my flower beds and yard. People, namely the old lady behind me, think I am terribly lazy until I tell them that I wonít use weed killer and then they just think I am weird. So the only thing that has kept me from buying this lawn mower that I really do want is because I am too vain. Because I donít want people to think I am weird or poor. That is really pathetic.

But I am going to buy it anyway today. Because I am sick of waffling about it and I am sick of paying someone to mow my lawn.

And later this summer I am sure I will be complaining about the amount of labor I have to use to mow my lawn and how I am thinking about going to buy a real lawn mower. And then I will be really disgusted with myself.

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