2003-03-17 - 11:06 p.m.


It feels like years since I last wrote in this diary...maybe because the last time I wrote I was sitting in my red chair in my red room with my darling Squishy Cat on my lap and my darling Bear-Bay cat at my feet in small town America where I have been all my life. Now I am sitting here able to see the light from the Eiffel Tower every minute or so as it spins this direction...

Anyway, it's weird. I am having a difficult time this time, every morning I wake up sure that I will be okay and by the time the sun sets I just want to go home. It isn't because I am uncomfortable here, it isn't that I don't want to be with E., I just am not ready to be here for two months. And I have not been writing here since I got here because I don't want to admit that. I don't want to sound like such an insane fool. Here I have the chance of a lifetime and all I can do is cry like a baby because I want to go home. Here I have a most wonderful boyfriend whose lingering scent on his dirty laundry sends me into missing him swoons five minutes after he leaves for work in the morning...and all I can do is cry because I want to go home. I really should be institutionalized. Anyway, I just want to be happy here, I want to live every moment I have here in the happiest way, but there are nights like tonight when I get so vulnerable, so homesick, so scared that something is going wrong with my cats that I can do nothing but stagger about with tears spilling down my cheeks. And I want to quit. I want to stop being so sad all the time.

That's what makes me so mad about all of this. I spend my time at home being sad because I am not with E., and I spend my time with E. sad because I am not with my cats. Is there ever going to be a time when I have everything in one place so I don't have to miss things?

I hate missing things, but I guess I should be glad to have that ability because that just means I am capable of loving. Right?



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