DELVING BETWEEN THE TOES OF LIFE....I AM TOEJAM


2003-03-09 - 1:10 p.m.

I ALWAYS lose my phone. But thatís okay because all I have to do is walk to the base and press a button and the pager sends off a shrieking beep beep beep that will lead me to the phone. Today I caught myself doing something that I catch myself doing often...I had misplaced the case to a movie I wanted to bring back and in my exasperation at not being able to find it I found myself pressing the button on the base of the phone only to be startled out of my stupidity by the phone shrieking directly in my face. I do it all the time, I stop thinking and when I lose something I automatically press that stupid button because my brain is automatically programmed to do so when I lose the phone...it (my stupid brain)just hasnít figured out that the oh so convenient paging button DOES NOT work for other objects. Someone please tell me I am not the only person that does this...please.

In other news. I am a complete wreck. Trying to remind myself that the reason I bought my ticket the day E. left my house in the beginning of February is because when I am with him I donít want to leave him...but when we are separated for an extended amount of time I fall back into solitary and the months, though I miss him terribly, putter by just fine. I KNEW I should buy that ticket when I was still addicted to him because I knew that if I waited and bought it after I had fallen back into solitary I would get the ticket for a lesser amount of time...and then once I was there I would regret getting it for a lesser time because I wouldnít want to be separated from him. So I was smart...I bought it hours after he left the last time. Sure enough I am beside myself with anxiety and remorse at having chosen to go for two months. Yesterday I cried every half hour or so, especially when my cats were all snuggled in my lap...today I am crying every fifteen minutes. I even started to get tears in my eyes as I left the gym this morning. My eyes look like shit, I look as though I have been in a fight..bright raw spots around swollen eyes..itís lovely. But I KNOW that once I get there I will be okay. I know that and I keep telling myself that. The last time I was there three weeks seemed WAY too short, WAY TOO SHORT. And after a couple weeks I settled into being without my cats and stopped worrying my head off that my mother was going to forget to get one inside at nighttime and he would be left out all night. A wise man told me today to stop worrying because nothing is going to happen while I am gone that wouldnít happen if I were here. Which is true. Maybe itís even better that I go because sometimes at night I forget to close the kitty door and strange cats get in here and cause big fightse...that wonít happen when I am gone because I KNOW MY MOTHER WILL MAKE SURE THEY ARE ALL IN AT NIGHT AND WILL CLOSE THE DOOR TO THE KITTY DOOR ROOM. Right Mama? And I wonít be here to forget about the pan of potpourri simmering on the stove so those near fires I always cause wonít be happening...blah blah blah.

And I will be with my boyfriend. And I wonít be working. And I will have all the time in the world to write. I will be happy. Itís just so hard to see that far right now. So, so hard.

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