DELVING BETWEEN THE TOES OF LIFE....I AM TOEJAM


2003-02-15 - 7:17 p.m.

It amazes me...the number of people who act like asses to their servers. I cannot believe that people can act like that when someone else is in total and complete control of their food and drink. Iíve never witnessed or even heard about anyone actually spitting in someoneís food....but I have seen waitresses accidentally spill food on the floor and then pick it up and serve it if they happen to really, really dislike the customer they are serving. And I will tell you that if you have acted like an ass to me I WILL put you in punishment mode. You might not really KNOW you are in punishment mode, I will still give you impeccable service, I will still refill your drinks when needed, get your food, your bill to you as fast as I can...but...Iím not going to pick out the best looking hashbrown for you and I probably wonít melt the cheese on your food and I will charge you for every last thing I can think of. I had an impatient table today. Food, on the weekends, takes a lot longer than it does on the weekdays. I have no control over this. My table, who actually hadnít been waiting for very long, called ANOTHER waitress over to check the status of their food (which I happened to be pulling at the very moment they were impatiently inquiring about their order to the OTHER waitress). I hate that. I hate it because I am ALWAYS in my section, I wander my section, so much so that I have had people tell me I am like a shark circling prey, these people were so impatient that it must have been like a thirty second thing...I had JUST been to their table to give them syrup and had gone RIGHT to the kitchen to get their food and within the time I had walked from their table to the time I got to the kitchen they had suddenly decided they needed their food now and instead of having asked me thirty seconds ago, they call someone else over. I donít like that, makes me feel like Iím not doing my job. So I got mad. And I put their food back in the window and went to the table and said in my sweetest voice, ďI am SO sorry your breakfast is taking so long, I just checked on it and it shouldnít be too much longer. Theyíre just a little behind right now because we have a banquet.Ē In the meantime their food is sitting under heat lamps growing more and more unfresh as the moments drag on. This is just a minor thing and if I hadnít of already been irritated by another table I probably would have not taken it so personally. But really...I canít stand that people that go out to breakfast act like it is some unwanted chore in their day. Just enjoy it. Enjoy being able to sit for a while and have someone wait on you. Enjoy that for a moment you can just sit idle, not worry about things, not have to do anything but drink your damn coffee and read the paper. Talk to the person you are with, have a CONVERSATION for the love of god. Donít act like your day is shot because your breakfast took twenty minutes.

I wish I could make a rule book for customers. A guide for going out.

READ THE SIGN...if it says ďPLEASE WAIT TO BE SEATEDĒ then PLEASE WAIT TO BE SEATED.

DO NOT SIT AT A DIRTY TABLE.

Acknowledge your server when they come to your table. Turn off your goddamn cell phone at least until your entire order has been placed. People talking on cell phones WILL NOT GET WAITED ON VERY QUICKLY. I see someone sitting at a table talking on the phone and I go to other tables first.

Get your shit off the table so when I arrive at the table with arms loaded with steaming hot plates I donít have to wait for you to move said shit while my arms are getting blistered by said plates. And do not try to help me unload plates. Just sit in your god damn seat with your hands in your lap. Do not make one move as I unload plates.

When I ask you if you need anything else, be prepared. Do not call me back over in thirty seconds to ask for an orange juice. I will be back to check on you shortly and you can ask for it then. Only if there is a mistake with your order should you call me back.

When I come to clear your plates do not suddenly start piling shit on them. I do not wish to stand there while you one by one pluck empty sugar packets off the table and pile them on the plate. If you feel you must do this, do it before I get there and if you donít happen to get to it, pile your empty stupid sugar packets on something else other than the plate I wish to evacuate. Or how Ďbout just not worrying about it.

If there is something wrong with your food do not launch into some lengthy diatribe about it. Just tell me there is something wrong and you need a new breakfast. Same with coffee...do not say, ďCould we get another pot of coffee, this one seems a bit lukewarm, itís not hot at all, itís cold, really not hot at all, if we could just get a new pot of coffee, or maybe just warm these cups up a bit or something, you donít need to fill the entire pot, just a half would be fine, just as long as itís hot...Ē Just say, ďthis coffee is cold, can I get another pot?Ē I donít need unnecessary information. You waste my time and are contributing to holding up someone elseís order thus making THEM start complaining. Your wasted words create a chain effect.

Do not examine your bill and then pull out a menu. THE PRICES ARE PRINTED ON THE BILL STUPID ASS. THEY ARE THE SAME PRICES AS IN THE MENU. You may check my addition if you feel that sure that some mathematical error is going to break you...BUT DO NOT PULL OUT THE MENU AND CHECK THE ALREADY PRINTED PRICES AGAINST THE PRINTED PRICES IN THE MENU.

Children are welcome, I love children....but if they are ordering for themselves and having a hard time doing so....PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HELP THEM ALONG. I donít have time to help your children learn some sort of lesson in independence. I do not have the time to stand there while your child looks at me blankly when asked how they want their egg. JUST FUCKING TELL ME AND YOU CAN TEACH THEM ABOUT INDEPENDENCE AT HOME.

If you sit at a table for more than it would take for a leisurely breakfast...then PLEASE realize you are robbing your waitress and compensate her for it. You are taking up a table that someone could be making money on if you would get your asses up and leave. Today we had a six top come in, took up two tables in one waitresses sic table section for FOUR HOURS. Those tables could have been turned AT least five times which means she could have made at least another $30...but these people sat and sat and sat and left her $7.00. WE donít mind you sitting for hours...but keep in mind that we only make money if we turn tables and if you are sitting there you should be tipping a little extra to compensate.

Do not get pissed off because your breakfast is TOO BIG. Yes, OUR OMELETS ARE SIX EGGS, THIS IS OUR ďCLAIM TO FAMEĒ, AND WHEN I TELL YOU WE DONíT MAKE SMALLER OMELETS DO NOT GET ANGRY...JUST DONíT EAT THE WHOLE THING, OR TAKE SOME OF IT HOME YOU IDIOT. I see this happen SO much and it is always women...,Ēdonít you make a smaller omelet?Ē they will ask. ďNo, Iím sorry, we donít,Ē I will tell them and they will actually get MAD. I know the only reason they get mad is because they want an omelet but are worried about being perceived as a fat, gluttonous pig if they order one. Then theyíll say, ďFine, Iíll just have ----- then,Ē which is usually JUST AS MUCH FOOD ANYWAY. Women always act so stupid when they get a big breakfast. Donít act like you eat like a bird, I KNOW you donít. I KNOW when you get in your car with your box full of uneaten omelet you are shoving it in your face as you drive home. I KNOW it.

I could go on and on....and Iím sure I will.

The good news is that I leave in 23 days and will not be back for two months. Can you believe THAT?

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