2003-02-01 - 9:35 p.m.

There are two things that can be said in the course of a relationship that make me cringe and what also, by my sudden cringing and doubting when one of these two things are uttered, make me a hypocrite.

The first is, “I can’t....(insert item of I can’tness)” Should I say, “You should really come over tonight...” and the response is, “I can’t” I instantly freeze up, my heart grips in a vice of cold steel and I simply accept the I can’t with a shrill and icy, “Fine.” What someone is saying when they say, “I can’t” is that they don’t WANT to, that there are other things they would rather do, or maybe other things that take precedence over seeing little old me. If I were a priority, if I were TOP priority i.e.; this person that says “I can’t” wants to see me and no other person on the face of the planet would ever supercede that need (which is how I WANT to be revered, selfish? yes...unrealistic? yes...but never the less true) then they would say, ‘I can’t” to those other things that they will be doing instead of seeing me. But I too am guilty of the “I can’t”, on numerous occasions....”You want me to go to San Diego with you and your friends for New Years? I can’t....”, “You want me to drive to Muskegon to spend the fourth with you and your family? I can’t...”, “You want me to pack up my life and move to France? I can’t...” but in truth I just didn’t want to, not really...I didn’t want to go to San Diego because frankly the idea of spending a week with seven people I didn’t know in a strange town with only two hotel rooms to share between all of us just didn’t sound like fun to me. And I could have, if I was really WANTING to, mustered enough energy in my strep throat delirium to go to Muskegon for the fourth....but I just didn’t WANT why does it send stakes through my heart when someone says....”I can’t” to me when I am just as guilty?

And the second thing which makes me shiver in doubt is when someone says...”You can have sex with someone else, I just don’t want to know about it..I would understand if you did...” From experience that means, “I’m kind of interested in having sex with someone else..” Or, it means that someone is having feelings of insecurity and are preparing themselves, by giving license, for their loved one cheating on them. And I too am guilty of that, both of those things. I said it to my ex boyfriend when I was interested in someone else....I basically said, “here, go sleep with someone else, I WANT you to so I won’t feel so guilty when I do it,” And in the second instance I said it when I was certain he WAS sleeping with someone else because by my TELLING him to do it, that it was okay as long as I didn’t find out about it, I made myself feel like I was strong and without any sort of vulnerability.

So these are just little thoughts....little things that are occurring in my mind now that I am back in the world of relationship. Back in the world of sitting around wondering why the phone doesn’t ring, getting a little irritated when the phone doesn’t ring when in fact, he too could be sitting there wondering why his phone doesn’t ring.

Ah, yes. This is nice. Really.


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