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2002-09-23 - 7:27 p.m.
I remember a month or two ago, when I bought this ticket for France, as though it was yesterday. I was just playing around you see, just checking prices. I didn't really mean to hit the submit button on Priceline, I really, really didn't. But once I did I was overcome with this feeling of exhileration, this moment that I thought, "OH MY GOD, I AM POTENTIALLY FLYING TO FRANCE IF THIS PRICE IS ACCEPTED!" I dealt with my flying fears in that moment. Within a few seconds my mind went through everything, the fact that I am terrified of flying, the fact that according to statistics I am safer flying than driving to work...within those few seconds I came to terms with the fact that I was GOING TO FLY DAMMIT! And then....just as I was okay with the idea of buying this ticket, just as I said to myself, "This is okay, there is nothing you can do now, you just accepted that if Priceline accepts your price you have just purchased a ticket to France," another screen came up stating that I had to initial and put in some code from my credit card before my request was submitted. I was aghast. I had just, within seconds, gone through a gamut of emotion and now they tell me I had to do it again. But I did it again, remember, I was just kind of playing around, I really didn't expect for my price to be accepted. But it was. And now I am going to be flying again in three days. Three years after I said with more determined resolution than I have ever mustered, "I will never fly again." I am so freaking terrified that I cannot function. I am picking up cigarettes as though they are the air that I breathe. I want to drink alcohol in amounts that render me completely mindless, but cannot because my stomach is so upset from nerves that I cannot even drink water without feeling sick. I need some medication, some serious medication. I just need to remember that fear is no reason to turn down opportnity and that my need to see that BOY is much greater than my fear. Right? Right. |
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