DELVING BETWEEN THE TOES OF LIFE....I AM TOEJAM


2002-08-01 - 5:55 a.m.

Most of the waitresses where I work have Dented Boob Syndrome. This comes from the fact that we all wear body hugging shirts to work and because we would rather avoid the imminent nipple problem (sprouting headlights at any given moment while waiting on a table) most of us opt to wear bras that are lined with a certain foam. These kind of bras make breasts look fantastically shapely while protecting us from having to endure some slimy comment from a sex-crazed man about our nipples.

However, these bras have the tendency to lose their shape once washed. The foam stuff used tends to stretch and contort thus causing the dented boob look. I am extremely sick of walking around with dented boobs. That is why last night I carefully performed surgery on my work bras. I made neat incisions around the perimeter of the cups and then extracted the foam. At this point I realized I had opted for surgery too early, I had not thought the whole thing through. I needed some sort of material to replace the foam. Something that would conform to the shape of my breast, something that was pliable enough to not become misshapen upon introduction to the washing machine. Thatís when my eyes alighted upon my slippers. Those cute bootie slippers in red plaid that I have had for years. Perfect. The material is thick enough to keep my nipples in place and yet soft enough to not get all whacked in the washing machine. Dented boobs be gone! I then proceeded to cut my slippers up, Iím not sure if they ever signed a donor card, you know, I, Whisperís slipper, want to donate my organs to a malfunctioning bra upon my demise......anyway, I transplanted slipper organs to the bra with precise little stitches. It looks fantastic. Great. Iím a freakin genius! Iím just hoping the blood types matched and the bra doesnít reject the slipper parts. That would be a sad, sad day.

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