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2002-08-01 - 5:55 a.m.
Most of the waitresses where I work have Dented Boob Syndrome. This comes from
the fact that we all wear body hugging shirts to work and because we would rather avoid
the imminent nipple problem (sprouting headlights at any given moment while waiting on a
table) most of us opt to wear bras that are lined with a certain foam. These kind of bras
make breasts look fantastically shapely while protecting us from having to endure some
slimy comment from a sex-crazed man about our nipples.
However, these bras have the tendency to lose their shape once washed. The foam
stuff used tends to stretch and contort thus causing the dented boob look. I am extremely
sick of walking around with dented boobs. That is why last night I carefully performed
surgery on my work bras. I made neat incisions around the perimeter of the cups and then
extracted the foam. At this point I realized I had opted for surgery too early, I had not
thought the whole thing through. I needed some sort of material to replace the foam.
Something that would conform to the shape of my breast, something that was pliable
enough to not become misshapen upon introduction to the washing machine. That’s
when my eyes alighted upon my slippers. Those cute bootie slippers in red plaid that I
have had for years. Perfect. The material is thick enough to keep my nipples in place and
yet soft enough to not get all whacked in the washing machine. Dented boobs be gone! I
then proceeded to cut my slippers up, I’m not sure if they ever signed a donor card, you
know, I, Whisper’s slipper, want to donate my organs to a malfunctioning bra upon my
demise......anyway, I transplanted slipper organs to the bra with precise little stitches. It
looks fantastic. Great. I’m a freakin genius! I’m just hoping the blood types matched and
the bra doesn’t reject the slipper parts. That would be a sad, sad day.
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