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2002-05-07 - 7:03 p.m.
While I was lying prone on the chair at the salon where I get facials waiting for the
esthetician to come in, I noticed a spider on the wall. Whenever I see a spider it causes
me great stress, not because I am scared of spiders but because I know that if anyone else
should see him they will smash him into oblivion and leave the taint of guilty spider murder
within my heart. Most times I will quickly swoop in and rescue the spider before anyone
can get their hands on it. I try to do so without anyone knowing what I am doing and
without them ever seeing the spider. Mostly because I don’t want to discuss my deeply
rooted need to save anything I can. And because I don’t want to get into a debate about
what things should live and what shouldn’t. I don’t like people to argue against my belief
system and I don’t argue against theirs. It’s simple. In my home I ask that no one kill
anything but I understand that once I am in someone else’s home they have every right to
stomp a spider. I just try to intervene unknowingly before that happens.
Today when I saw the spider I started to get out of the chair to grab him but just as I
was climbing from beneath the blanket the esthetician walked in chirping hellos. So I laid
back down nervously and tried to focus on something other than the spider. I didn’t want
her gaze to follow mine and find the spider who was slowly making his way to the ceiling.
She applied cleanser to my face while telling me about her recent Lasik surgery while I
tried to respond casually to her stories. All the while I am watching the progress of the
spider, slowly slowly making his way closer to where we were. As she applied exfoliant
he finally reached the ceiling and started his trek towards the middle. She rinsed the
exfoliant from my skin and started painting my face with papaya enzymes, the spider made
it to the middle of the ceiling. I started twitching. She turned the steamer on my face and
for a long moment stood there finishing her story. Finally she left me in silence with the
spider, the steamer and papaya goop sliding from my face. I got out from the blanket and
stood on the chair trying to reach the spider but he retreated across the ceiling into a space
where I couldn’t reach him from my perch on the chair. So I moved to the little table in
the office they have for clients to keep their clothes and purses on. I pushed my crumpled
clothes off it and stood on it trying to knock him to the floor with my shoe so I could grab
him. But he moved again. And I pushed the little table to the other side of the room and
repeated my efforts. I knew time was drawing closer to when she would come back in to
remove the papaya and apply buffer and then a mask because the steamer timer was
winding down. I quickly pushed the table back to the corner, replaced my clothes on top
of it and climbed back under the blanket just as she pushed the door open. She looked at
my face and told me I needed a little more time with the steam because it wasn’t softening
as it should. While she was resetting the timer the spider moved back in towards the
center of the ceiling. As soon as she left I jumped up again and this time I managed to
knock him down. I quickly scrambled off the chair and found him scooting along the
carpet. I grabbed him. And now what? Where the hell do I put a spider? I went to the
window and tried to pry the screen off so I could toss him out but it wouldn’t move. And
then it occurred to me. I’ll put him in my boot and put my sock over the top of it and
secure it with the rubber band from my hair. I’m a freakin’ genius. I got him in my boot,
zipped it up, placed the sock over it and wrapped the rubber band around it and then
covered it with my shirt so she wouldn’t wonder about my boot with a sock and a rubber
band around the top of it. And then I laid back down and let the steam soften my face for
about thirty seconds before she came back in. She did seem a little miffed that the steam
hadn’t really softened my skin up any but she applied the buffer anyway and I just had to
endure it without softened skin. I had after all, saved a spider.
Finally the facial was over and as I was dressing I realized I wouldn’t be able to put
my left boot on. Ha, some genius I am indeed. So, I just hobbled out there in one boot
hoping no one would notice. But they did and I told them I stubbed my toe on the table in
the room. Quickly the receptionist started cooing apologies as the esthetician ran into the
room to move the table. I just went along with it, hobbled to my car and let the stupid
spider out of my boot in the bushes along the way.
On the way home I noticed there was a moth clinging to my windshield wiper for dear
life so I stopped on the shoulder to let it off, all the while hoping a big truck wouldn’t
come careening around the corner and run over my car. I’m realizing that the reason I like
winter so much is because I only have to worry about animals, when the insects start
coming back around in spring and summer my life becomes incredibly complicated and
time consuming. |
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