DELVING BETWEEN THE TOES OF LIFE....I AM TOEJAM


2002-04-25 - 9:01 p.m.

I am stealing this idea from ciromazola. When I read her entry it occured to me that EVERONE should have a list like this. I think upon meeting someone for the first time we should just hand them our list.

One hundred.

1.I spend more money on my cats food and health care than I do my own.

2. My most cherished and important possession is my stuffed Garfield doll I got in fourth grade named Gari. I would cease to survive without her. I have been brought to tears on several occasions when the thought of losing her crosses my mind.

3. I am a slob, and I am a clean freak which is only one of many examples of my black and white personality. I have never had a gray moment in all my life.

4. I can manipulate any human being on this planet, but I have not manipulated anyone intentionally since I was fourteen and my father looked at me with disgust as he told me I was the most manipulative person he had ever known.

5. I truly believe I can do anything.

6. When I was younger I wanted a Smurf, a real, live Smurf, so badly that it hurt and I can still feel that pain, it was so deep.

7. We had goats when I was growing up and at night I would feel sorry for them being outside so I would either go to the barn and sleep with them or I would sneak the babies into my room and let them sleep in my bed.

8. The best dinner I ever had was on Madeline Island in Wisconsin with my friend Dan. Actually, I canít remember what I had for my actual dinner, it was the ambiance that made it the best, it was being far away from home, it was the setting sun, the extravagance the day had taken on....and the baked brie and fresh fruit we had as an appetizer. I would give almost anything to have that day back, minus the part where I walked into a tree branch and got whapped in the head.

9. Cotton balls and cotton related things with the exception of fabric freak me out. If I so much as see a Q-tip I will start gagging. Once after having my wisdom teeth taken out I woke up in the recovery room and started tearing the bloody gauze out of my mouth and then held my eyes open with my hands for fear I would fall back asleep and they would repack my mouth.

10. I have weird reactions to certain smells. There are certain places I cannot go because of the smell. I have quit jobs because the smell made me crazy and I have broken up with people because of their smell, not a bad smell, a CERTAIN smell that I cannot describe.

11. The best kiss I ever had and which still makes me swoon when I think of it 12 years later was when I was a sophomore in high school. It was on a hill with a full moon in mid-June, his breath tasted of cigarettes, whiskey and Big Red. I told this to some people at work once and now there is a cook who will sometimes sidle up to me after smoking a cigarette with Big Red in his mouth. He thinks I donít know he is trying to seduce me.

12. Two or three days out of my life I have felt that I am the sexiest woman on earth and that was the best feeling I have ever had.

13. I love turkeys and do the best imitation of a turkey gobble you will ever hear.

14. When I was a teenager I ran away from home for seven months. Then I went back for a month and moved back out for another year.

15. I will never recover from my Grandmothers death.

16. From the age of fifteen to nineteen I had three boyfriends die.

17. When I was six my best friend was killed by a drunk driver. It was the first time I remember suppressing emotion.

18. When I was eight a man with a shotgun stood under my bedroom window in the middle of the night screaming that he was going to kill us all. I calmly got out of bed and went to my brothers room and secured him in a closet, I then sneaked out the back of the house and went to the neighbors house and called the police. It was the first time I remember being sure I was the only one who could take care of anything and that I would have to do it all on my own.

19. I am almost living my dream.

20. I have an overwhelming desire to be a witch.

21. I come from a very long line of spinsters, paternally and maternally.

22. For five years the night before school started my friends and I tepeed and egged the school and the phone company.

23. I started smoking when I was fifteen though I didnít actually INHALE any smoke until I was eighteen.

24. I have never done an illegal drug.

25. When I was a massage therapist I used olive oil as my massage oil because I refused to spend $10.00 for a small bottle of other oil. No one ever noticed.

26. I do not think I have a best physical feature.

27. My best characteristic is my objectivity.

28. When I have a friend they are friends for life. I do not let anyone disappear.

29. I am more pissed off at my neighbor than I have ever been with anyone else in my life, I am also more hurt by my neighbor than I have ever been in my life. A few months ago I passed his new wife in the aisle at the grocery store and then commenced kicking the crap out of a shelf. I am not a violent or angry person until someone takes a friend away from me.

30. My cats make me smile every day. I have such an intense connection with them that if one of them doesnít come in at night I can go to sleep and will wake up the very instant I hear their little paws come back into my yard at which time I will merely get up, open the door and they will come in. I once found my lost cat simply by tuning into his meow and tracing him to a garage two blocks away.

31. I cannot take care of inanimate objects. At all.

32. At least once a week I eat a can of black olives in a sitting. I drink a gallon and a half of milk, two and a half cartons of orange juice, a bag of coffee and a half a bottle of wine every week. If there are any kind of nuts in my house I will eat them all within the course of a day. Last year I brought back two pounds of pecans and a half a pound of cashews from Georgia and ate them all in one day.

33. I have given many reasons for breaking up with my boyfriend of five or so years but the honest and simple truth was that one day I met a drummer guy and realized I was still looking for the love of my life. I knew it wasnít the drummer guy, but the thought that crossed my mind when I first met him was, this just might be the guy. Until that time I hadnít realized I was still looking.

34. I am 5í6 1/2Ē and used to weigh 123 pounds, at that time I lied and said I weighed 115 pounds. I now weigh 115 pounds and I lie and say I weigh 110.

35. When I am overwhelmed you will often hear me sing, ďIím a little teapot...Ē

36. When I go to the bathroom I have to click my tongue on the roof of my mouth three times before anything will happen.

37. I bake or cook something almost every day, taste a bite and then throw it away because I donít really want it, I just wanted to make something.

38. When eating I will often exclaim, ďThat was the best bite I have ever had!Ē

39. I can make a rule for myself and not once go against my oath. This is why I have never made the rule that I cannot smoke anymore, because I know I will fail and I do not want to tarnish my record of non failure.

40. I read at least three books a week.

41. From the age of nineteen until I was twenty two I would take a pamprin right before I feel asleep because the caffeine would jolt me awake two hours after I fell asleep. I did not want to sleep back then. Now I want to sleep all the time.

42. I have memories from before I was able to walk.

43. I have never seen anything come to fruition.

44. I have never felt as though I were ďhomeĒ.

45. I do not believe I was supposed to have been born.

46. I believe I am the most put together person in my family.

47. I take at least two showers and a bath every day.

48. My left shoulder has hurt every day for the last five years.

49. I was supposed to have been a ballerina but I gave it up because my ballet teacher got mad at me for going out into the audience after a show in my costume. I have quit many things because I was reprimanded. I cannot think of a time that I was reprimanded that I didnít quit. I even walked out of school in second grade because my teacher made me write sentences. I would not go back until she agreed that I didnít have to write them.

50. I repaint the interior of my house at least once a year.

51. I have absolutely no desire to ever ever have a career. I am perfectly happy doing what I do now.

52. I would like to have a child more than anything in the world, but I have no desire to get married.

53. I have been a vegetarian my entire life. The only meat I have ever tried was a piece of pepperoni and a Chicken McNugget. I was very embarrassed about being a vegetarian until I was about eighteen. I would sometimes order meat when I went on dates and push it around on my plate to make it look like I was eating it so I wouldnít have to explain that I didnít eat meat. I am very ashamed that I was embarrassed.

54. I am devastatingly embarrassed about how I acted in general from the age of seven until the age of twenty seven, especially the teenage years. Watching home movies of myself make me want to cry from shame.

55. I will not and cannot kill anything, even a mosquito.

56. My biggest source of guilt comes from an incident with a deer which I had nothing to do with.

57. In the seven years I have lived in this town I have called the police ten times, every time has had to do with an animal in peril.

58. I have never had a house key for this house.

59. I will not allow anyone to help me. Ever. I will help anyone with or without their asking.

60. I am described a lot as that really pretty girl that is always tripping on things and talking to herself.

61. I am extremely unorganized when it comes to anything having to do with mailing something.

62. I am obsessive about straight lines.

63. I like to sit on roofs.

64. I was never punished as a child. I now punish myself for things such as not folding my laundry.

65. I can talk on the phone for hours and hours, but in person I am only good for about half an hour.

66. I require at least five hours a day where I am not in contact with any other human.

67. I have very good posture.

68. I would be just fine if I were deaf.

69. My favorite spot on this earth is on the Lake Michigan beach in Leland, Michigan. I only like it in the very early spring and in the late fall.

70. My brother and I were born on the same day three years apart.

71. I have loved many people but I cannot remember ever falling in love.

72. I believe in love at first sight.

73. I have never had a truly romantic moment with anyone. And I will never feel complete until I do.

74. The two best friends I have ever had were men and they were both my neighbors.

75. I hate tennis shoes with blue jeans.

76. I donít like men who wear white tennis shoes unless they are exercising.

77. The main contributing factors in my reluctance to go places I have never been to are doors and procedure. If I donít know what door to go to or what procedure to follow once inside the doors, I will not go. Whenever I get directions to someoneís house that I have never been I ask which door I am supposed to go to.

78. I am very considerate.

79. I have a feeling that if I ever DO get married it will be a whirlwind romance in which I meet someone, fall in love and get married within a years time.

80. If I DO get married I will not get divorced.

81. I believe you can tell how someone feels about you by the pictures they take of you. Any picture my ex boyfriend took I looked annoyed and pissed off. My friend Dan took pictures of me in which I look peaceful and radiant. My friend Nicole takes pictures of me in which I look joyful and my friend Kathy takes pictures of me in which I look impatient. I will only marry someone who takes good pictures of me.

82. I hate practical jokes in which someone ends up looking like an idiot.

83. I have one whisker that grows under my chin that I have repeatedly plucked for six years to no avail.

84. I have two fried egg whites and an english muffin for breakfast every day.

85. If I am overly stressed about something, such as flying, I will pretend I am in a movie.

86. Nothing makes me happier than when my cat Oscar sleeps in my arms all night long.

87. I get up at 3:30 in the morning six days a week, I used to go to bed at 3:30 in the morning six days a week.

88. This is the first time in ten years that I only have one job.

89. I have never forgiven my parents for not buying me the entire Dr. Seuss collection for Christmas one year.

90. If I think about my friend Matt he will call within the day.

91. I once bled so badly from a mosquito bite that I had to have two people sit on my arm to get the bleeding to stop.

92. My favorite thing to do is to get in my car with a cup of coffee and cigarettes and drive for at least six hours.

93. I hate summer so much that I will go to bed the minute I get home from work and will sleep until midnight or so when I will wake up and begin my day. I try to avoid the daylight and people as much as possible in the summer.

94. I am addicted to e-mails from my friend Eric. I clap my hands and bounce in my chair every time he sends me something.

95. I have had the same eye shadow compact since tenth grade and I have never used the eyeshadow in it.

96. I have been meaning to get my piano fixed for five years. It would make me very happy if I did it but I cannot fathom the idea of having someone I donít know come into my house.

97. I attract lost and stray animals. Besides the obscene number of cats that find way to my house, I have also had about ten dogs over the course of the year find way to my porch, also, a cold, ice covered rabbit who was someoneís pet and had escaped and one morning when I got to work and opened my door two black labs jumped in my car with me.

98. If someone grabs my arm I panic. I do not like people to hold onto me by my arm, but having my arms massaged is one of my favorite things.

99. The only time I enjoyed going to a movie was when I saw A Midsummer Nights Dream with my friend Kevin.

100. The best moment of my life happened a few years ago. I had on a sage green sundress and a white headband, I remember feeling very clean. My Grandfather was dying of cancer and I was laying with my head nestled in his arm as he told me that he was prouder of me than any of his kids or grandkids, that he thought I was the most beautiful and intelligent and that my Grandmother had cherished me more than anything else. It wasnít the words he said, it was the moment, I was clean, loved, comfortable, acknowledged and the sun was coming in the windows in such a soft way that it shrouded us in gold and preserved the moment forever.

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