2002-04-16 - 5:25 p.m.

I'm funny about seasons. If they don't progress EXACTLY as they should I get depressed, bitchy and miserable. Such is the case now. It appears that Spring has been misplaced and I feel pretty damn cheated. I was trying not to complain about it, but then I remembered that I despise summer so I am totally justified in being pissed off that we went directly from winter to summer. I haven't had time to prepare myself for summer yet and now that it is here I am OH SO FREAKIN DEPRESSED.

I am first depressed because of my neighbor. I have yet to speak of him in this diary and I am still not ready to now. But I will tell you this, he was my best friend and the only reason at all that I liked summer. And then he knocked some chick up and "had" to get married (all this happened during my 20 day trip to Florida) to some girl who won't tolerate his having a girl as a best friend. I was able to survive the winter without him because all we ever did in winter was shovel our driveways together and watch movies. But in the summer we went for walks and we went to the bar and got totally drunk every Monday. And we would watch movies and have picnics. I really miss him and this being the first summer without him, I am really a mess.

And summer was when I broke up with my boyfriend. I am okay with that part but the ensuing months after that were weird and messed up...this weather is just reminds me of that.

And I miss my brother something fierce right now. I bought a six pack of beer on my way home from my facial tonight and I was instantly depressed that he wasn't here to share it with me. I sat on my deck with my guitar and cigarettes and just felt lost. I feel lost without my brother. I want him to come home and I'm going to be selfish here...I don't care if this isn't the place for him, I don't care if he wants to be here, I want him to come home NOW. Even if it meant that I would only get one beer out of this six-pack and he got the rest, I want him on my deck smoking cigarettes with me.

God, I really hope no one has continued reading's so depressing.

And finally. I am pissed off because I love spring. I love the process of spring. I love the kind of chilly days when I start preparing my gardens for seed, I love slowly progressing to wearing shorts and most of all I love that one first thunderstorm that transforms everything. It has happened every year I can remember. One day it will be mid-spring and we'll get a dark and heavy thunderstorm that brings sultry air with it. It will pound through my bones and then suddenly I will hear birds singing and I will look up to see that all the leaves on the trees have opened up, that the grass is green and that there is a thread of seduction coursing through the wind. And I didn't get that this year. I got an eighty seven degree day. No 60's or 70's...80 something.

I want my fucking spring.


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