DELVING BETWEEN THE TOES OF LIFE....I AM TOEJAM


2002-02-15 - 4:42 p.m.

Holy crudmuffins, I cleaned up on Valentines Day! Two dozen roses, a balloon bouquet, five boxes of candy and a gold bracelet. I guess being single has its advantages! Or it could be a disadvantage because yesterday at five in the afternoon I was sitting in my chair with all my chocolates spread out on my lap taking a bite out of each one. When I eat too much sugar my eyes start to burn. Is that normal?

I gave my fantasy boyfriend a little heart shaped box with a turkey painted on top of it (we both love turkeys) and put a creamer inside it and put it on his shoulder. It was cute. And then I gave him up. I am trying to wean myself from him so starting today I didn't even look over at their table, didn't do the pop machine linger, didn't wave goodbye to him, tried not to even think about him. Sad. I'm going to try to find a new fantasy boyfriend, someone who isn't married or attached. It's good to have a fantasy boyfriend, it gives you something to look forward to. I think I know who the new one will be, he is a guy closer to my age who comes in a few days a week, gets peach pancakes and reads for about an hour. I usually try to talk to him for a minute or so, we have the same taste in books, but he is so...so...something, very aloof. Actually he is the roommate of my Paris friends cousin. So I've hung out with him before but he still remains rather quiet. Anyway, I think Peach Pancake will be my new FB.

And speaking of my Paris friend, he is flying into Chicago in a few hours. I'm supposed to meet him once he gets to K-zoo, hopefully not too late. I always look forward to Eric's visits, especially since he brings great wine.

A girl at work told me today that I was the most self disciplined person she had ever met. The first thing that ran through my head was the fact that I am NOT in the slightest bit self disciplined. What I am is someone who is facinated with experiments. I like to see what happens if I don't eat butter for a year, if I don't put sugar in my coffee, if I drink 64 oz. of water a day, if I go to the gym five days in a row, if I don't have sex for a year. And I don't like going "out" so my staying home and being good doesn't have anything to do with self discipline either. And the second thing that ran through my head was that it was strange and sad that self discipline is only discipline when you are giving up something bad for you or when you are doing something that is good for you but not so enjoyable to do. How come my nightly bath isn't considered disciplined? How come my morning cup of coffee isn't discipline? And how come if I write in my diaryland diary everyday but do no other writing I feel as if I am not disciplined? But if I write a few pages of other writing and NOT in my diary I feel like I accomplished something. I mean, it is essentially the same thing...I've just decided that anything I do on a regular basis will be considered "disciplined". Including chewing the insides of my cheeks.

I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz.

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