2002-01-08 - 2:40 p.m.

I have a fantasy boyfriend. For four and a half years now I have been in sloppy, heart stopping, face flushed, breathtaking love with this man. It's really quite pathetic and strange. First of all he is fiftyish, balding and married with two children. Second of all he is an avid hunter and being that I am a lifelong vegetarian and devoted animal lover, I should be as disgusted with him as I am with most hunters. I would never marry a hunter, I wouldn't even go on a date with a hunter. And this guy antagonizes me non-stop, like bringing in pictures of his kills and the like. But I can never stop thinking about him. I dream of him almost every night. I try not to look at him or talk to him when he comes in, and he comes in at 9:30 five days a week. The thing is, I think I am his fantasy girlfriend. If I haven't looked at him and he's been there long enough he'll get my attention somehow, like making the sound of a gun going off or something. And we've developed this routine over the years. When it comes time for him to leave I know I'm supposed to linger by the pop machine because he'll say goodbye to everyone and then go to the restroom, walking by the pop machine. And then we have a few minutes of silly banter in which we try to find witty things to say, both of us always failing miserably while the girls titter in the waiters aisle behind me. They think my making an ass out of myself on a daily basis is hilarious. I always blush when he starts talking to me. I am not a shy person and I usually can talk to people. Just not him. Anyway, if I haven't been lingering by the pop machine when it is time to leave, he'll stall somehow until I walk by.

For the last year I have taken to sneaking up behind him and putting a creamer on his shoulder. He has yet to catch me. He'll usually sit there for about a minute with a creamer perched on his shoulder. It cracks me up. What I realized though is that I wanted him to learn to be aware of my presence at all times, not because I want him to fall in love with me and leave his wife, I would never allow it to get that far. But because I just want his attention, because he occupies a lot of my thoughts. By putting the creamer on his shoulder everyday and his never catching me, I hope that he will start to pay attention to where I am at all times so I can't sneak up behind him. I want him to watch me. It pisses me off that I feel like this.

Anyway, the point of telling this story was that today he sat with his back against the wall so I couldn't get him. I was frustrated. So I went out to the parking lot and put a creamer on his door handle. When I left work today the creamer was under my windshield wiper. I think this has gone to a new level. How in the world does he know my car? He must watch me more than I think. And I was cracking up all day imagining his face when he saw the creamer on his handle.

Going to get my eyebrows done now. Getting eyebrows waxed is the strangest thing for me. It hurts so bad that I tear up, but it also gives me a rush. Yes, getting my eyebrows waxed gives me a rush. I actually get excited about getting this done every month. Not because my eyebrows look great or anything, I mean, they do, but that's not why I get excited. I have no idea why I get excited. I guess I just like having hair ripped off my body.


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